New Years Eve 2014

2014 has been a life changing year to say the least. I began the year in a totally different place than where I am ending it. At the beginning, I thought I had it all figured out. I had my plans and I knew exactly how I was going to accomplish them. I had what I thought I wanted and nothing could stand in my way.

            But now on the very last day of the year, I look back and I realize how much has changed. Those plans I had at the beginning got tattered, torn, and thrown out the window. I definitely do not have it all figured out, not even close. I don’t know my future.
            Most days that is something I hate. I hate not knowing what is coming next, not being able to prepare. But 2014 has become a year of growth and learning, and part of that includes learning to trust God. He knows my steps before I take them and He is teaching me to let him have the reigns, to let His will be done.

            I have learned that strength comes in a variety of forms. Sometimes strength is facing an issue head on, tackling the enemy with full force. Sometimes strength is focusing on the good in life and holding your head up, and sometimes strength is allowing yourself to feel the emotions that need to be felt, whether that is anger, happiness, or sadness. Sometimes strength comes in the midst of tears flowing down your cheeks. Sometimes strength is holding your tears in. Strength is multifaceted and is different for each person during any given moment.

            I have also learned what true love looks like. True love does not look like shiny rings, or planned out dates, or lofty gifts. True love doesn’t beg for attention. True love loves right where you’re at. It does not ask you to be someone you are not, but rather meets you at your knees and holds you tight. True love asks no questions and shows up when it’s needed, even in the wee hours of the night. True love forgives when wrong has been done, and does not hold a grudge. True love apologizes when they are wrong. True love pushes you to be better. True love is sad for your sadness and happy for your happiness. True love is not what the movies portray it to be. True love isn’t a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day or a bouquet of flowers. True love is a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. True love is a place to rest, and to catch your breath.

            I am sure that 2015 will have its trials, but it will also have its days of happy. I pray that this New Year brings more learning and more strength and love, because without it, I would not be who I am today. I hope that when I look back on what 2015 brings at the end of the year, I can say that I learned just as much.

            I walked into 2014 thinking I had it all, plans and everything. But I am walking out a changed woman. I am walking out of 2014 knowing so much more about who I am and who God is. 2014 has been tough, but it has a purpose. And that purpose is for good.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” --Jeremiah 29:11

Not a Cookie Cutter Human.

How does it feel to be let go? How do you like it? Did you enjoy the gut wrenching feeling when you were told you weren’t good enough? That you weren’t worth keeping? That you weren’t worth the effort? Do you understand what it’s like to have your whole world fall to pieces, to have everything go wrong? To hurt so badly that you’re inches from giving up? Do you know what it’s like to be betrayed by your closest friend? To be left behind in the dust and covered with layers of pain and suffering? You probably understand this a bit more now that you lost something you really wanted. But still, I don't think you truly understand what happens when you loose what you thought was real.

You might know struggle, it’s true. But you have always had everything you ever wanted. You have always gotten your way, even if it took a few bumps in the road along the way, you got it. You got exactly what you wanted. You got freedom. Or maybe what looks something like freedom. But you’re still trapped in that tiny town without a longing for more. You’re content being where you have always been, and I was not. That scared you. I scared you.

I was so afraid to disappoint you, to make you upset. So afraid that you would leave me over something that I didn’t want to do. So I gave in. Over and over and over I gave in to your desires, and shoving mine so far back that I believed I liked what I was doing. I lied to myself and thought that it was making us better. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. But I scared you.
 
I am scary. I’m emotional and passionate and loving and trusting and fearful and outspoken. I am every bit of what you’re not expecting. I am not a cookie cutter human. I can’t be put into a box and I won’t be put into a box ever again. I am scary and at times I will roar, but I am also interesting. I am also kind, and I am loving. I am not just scary. I am worth more than the gold on the earth, more than all the money in the world. I am the daughter of the most High King, fearfully and wonderfully made. I should not have to apologize or hide who I am. I was made to be me, not to be who you wanted me to be.

The truth is, scary can be good. Sticking with the things that scare you are the things that make you grow. Choosing not to give into fear fosters real faith. I am worth every bit of the faith it takes to know me. Relationships take real faith.

 

One day you will meet her. I hope she scares you. I hope she scares you more than I did. I hope she scares you but teaches you real faith. I hope you learn to believe that people are worth fighting for, no matter how scary they are. I hope you learn what it feels like to trust God when trusting Him is all you have left.

● ● ● ● ● ● ●

  

            Trust is all that I have left. I was blindsided and cut off. I was left behind and forgotten. The only thing that keeps me going is trust and faith in the One who never fails to keep His promises. He is the One that keeps me steady; He is the one who has me wrapped up in His arms and never let me go.

            I could be angry. In fact, I was so angry at first. The plans He has for me are scary. I never saw this happening, and I never wanted it to. I didn’t want my life to be scary. But He is bigger than my desires and plans, He is teaching me to trust Him even when I am scared beyond belief. This kind of scary, the one that takes faith to overcome, that’s what makes all of this pain worth it.

             Get scared sometimes, but don’t let it overtake you. Don’t hide behind your fears. Boldly declare that God is bigger than your fear. And ya know what?  It’s okay to be scary. Be passionate. Be daring. Be loving and trusting. Be crazy, wild, calm, forlorn, withdrawn, hyper, mellow, whatever. Be you and don’t hide your emotions. God gave us emotions for a reason, and He made us who we are for a purpose. Scare people. Scare them into fostering their faith to grow bigger than they’d ever imagined.

Today I am choosing to grow my faith, even if it’s little by little.

December. Oh how I welcome, you, December.

December. Oh how I welcome, you, December.

            I welcome your familiar cold breezes and grey skies. I welcome the Christmas songs on the radio and the ones stuck in my head. I welcome your yummy treats and fun decorations. I welcome the evenings of blankets and Christmas movies.

            But Oh December, I welcome most of all the joy that you bring. The warm fuzzy feeling that December brings is almost indescribable. For months now, I have felt a dull pain lingering in my heart and in my head. But I tell you, December is starting to feel like a new beginning. It feels as if I am excited for something again. 

            As a child, I looked forward to December like most kids, excited for the Christmas festivities and excitement, but only more so. My birthday happens to fall during the first week of December, and I have always loved, loved my birthday. This past week I was honored to share a joint birthday celebration with my Grammy. All growing up I have made sure to tell her happy birthday and celebrate her life, but never in my 20 (almost 21) years have I ever shared a party with her. It was very special to blow out the candles and share opening of gifts with someone else. That was the beginning of the joy that December has shown me.

            I got home from Thanksgiving break feeling very loved. It was wonderful to have family constantly around me, offering up multitudes of hugs and laughter. When I came back to my apartment, my roommates and I cut out snowflakes, played Christmas music, and set up our very own tree. I think we all came back from Thanksgiving break feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the finals ahead of us.

            I know that these things may seem simple and perhaps meaningless to some. But what I have come to realize is that the spirit of Christmas and celebration really seems to warm my heart. These simple moments of celebration, decoration, or singing Christmas songs are things that I have loved and cherished my whole life. This December, I cherish them abundantly more. In all honesty, it has been quite a long time since I have been able to find joy in the things that once made me happy. I am so thankful that December and all of its blessings are not on that list. 

            More importantly, I am grateful that the month of December and the celebration of Christ’s birth still have a bearing on my life. No matter what difficulties come my way day in and day out of this life, I am humbled when I look in awe at the love God has for me. He sent His only son as a human baby to save the lost and bring salvation to the world. I can hardly describe how it feels to find joy in that truth amidst the pain that still lingers on in my heart. The month of December is impacting me in a way that I thought that it couldn’t this year. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t feel a reason to celebrate or find joy in holiday traditions. I am so thankful that I was wrong. Maybe I am being too honest, and sharing more than most people want to know. But this little, new found bit of joy is significant, and if I didn’t share my pain I wouldn’t be able to share that significance.

 

            December, I welcome the spirit of refreshment that you bring. I welcome your birthday festivities; I welcome the celebration of the Messiah. December has given me a hope of feeling like myself again, and for that I am so very thankful.

           

Happiness

Happiness is:

A crisp new piece of paper

The first sip of delight

finishing a test

singing a song you love

hugs

receiving a compliment

Grammy and Papa's house

hearing God speak

Sweatshirts

home cookin'

feeling good lookin'

laughing with friends

making amends

resting in silence

waking before the sun

sleeping until noon

watching snowflakes drift to the ground

Christmas morning 

Thanksgiving aroma

new born babies

silly little 7 year olds

when anxiety subsides

finding the missing piece

swings

ocean towns

friendly faces

sweet iced tea

cuddles 

kisses

sentimental valuables

Planter's Days

brand new Sharpie pens

helping a friend

the viewfinder on my Cannon

and the clicky button too

eyes that are bluer than blue

saving grace

my Savior's embrace

Corban University

God loving me

for me.

I am Built

 

 

I wish I was one of those people that loved to lay out on the beach under the hot sun. I wish I wanted to travel to the warm places of the world and vacation. In my mind that seems like it would be so relaxing and rejuvenating. But in reality, the sun turns my skin a not so lovely and very painful shade of lobster red. And the constant heat makes me nauseous. Really, it does. I was not built for the sun.

I’m not built like other people. I don’t look at kittens and squeal with joy and happiness. Instead, I run away from them, literally. I don’t watch a football game and get riled up over the referees making calls. Instead, I watch the cheerleaders and pay attention to their movements and how they work together. I don’t hate school and I don’t hate homework. I was always the kid that stayed inside during recess to read a book or help the teacher. Sure, I don’t love gathering the motivation to start homework, but I love the sense of accomplishment that comes when I finish. I don’t like peanut butter and chocolate together. Yes, peanut butter is great with jelly on a sandwich, but please don’t put it on chocolate ice cream. Or pancakes. It takes over the entire flavor of everything.

I feel like so many people don’t like tradition. I don’t hate tradition, in fact, I hate when tradition falters or goes away. I appreciate things that I can expect in a certain way on a regular or yearly basis, probably more so than I should.

Sure, change is hard for everyone, but often I view change as my mortal enemy. Change puts me in panic mode. I have a ridiculously hard time “going with the flow”. Planning ahead for my day or my week is something I have to do. But I can’t plan for change. I wish that I could “play life by ear”. I wish I wasn’t confined to the prison of planning. I wish I didn’t fear change. I wish I was built for movement and flow, but I’m not. I am not built for the sun. I am not built to love kittens. I am not built for peanut butter and chocolate concoctions. And I am not built for abrupt change.

Still, I am built. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Maker of the stars. I was knit together in my mother’s womb by the God of the universe. I was built for a purpose and with a plan. I was made matchless, unique, unlike any other human being. I was built to be Kory, not to be Martha, Kelly, or Jane.

For as long as I can remember, I have wished to be built like someone else. Somebody who fits into the world a little better than I do. Someone who enjoys the things that most other people enjoy. Someone who is fun and that everybody likes.

Why is it that I have spent my life wanting to be a pretty bloom when I was built to be the roots holding it up? Why am I looking to change my identity? Why can’t I see my likes and dislikes, the things that make me different, as a way to make a difference in the world? Why do I question my Maker’s ability to build me the way I am supposed to be?

I can’t answer these questions, I can only ask them out in the open so they might be heard. Perhaps I am not the only person who wishes they were built differently. Maybe I am not the only person who runs away from kittens when the rest of the world squeals at their “cuteness”. Maybe I am not the only person who meticulously plans out daily life. Maybe someone else is questioning the way they were built, too. Maybe we all do.

My goal is to use the tools that God has given me and put them to use. My goal is to trust the Maker of the stars and not my human experiences. My goal is to learn to love how I was built. But like any goal, it is going to take effort and support.


And time. It is going to take time.

•• { Forgive Me } ••

I have to apologize. For a lack of faith. I'm sorry I never waited for you. I'm sorry I was in such a hurry to find what I thought was love. I'm sorry for not trusting God's timing. I'm sorry for hoping you were someone else. Forgive me for losing myself. Forgive me for putting someone else in your place. Forgive me for giving pieces of my heart away and not to you. I'm sorry for having to write this at all. But I suppose we live through our experiences for a reason, even the ones we are sorry for.

 I pray that wherever you are and who ever you are that you are finding God. I hope you trust him more than I do. I hope you love him with your whole heart. I hope you like who you are. I pray you are leading a life so full that you don't feel like your missing any pieces. I hope you are filling your mind with knowledge and filling your heart with truth. I hope your learning to be a spiritual leader. I hope you love music. And I hope that you love tradition. I pray that you like steak and potatoes. I hope you like romantic comedies. I hope that you want to see places you have never been and that you want to tell people about Jesus. I hope you value education and value people. I pray you are everything and nothing I expect. I pray that you are these things and more.

But most of all I pray. Every single day. For you, whoever you are, and for who you will become. I am praying that we will come together at the right time and be an example of faith. I won't stop praying. I hope you're praying too.

Searching for Peace

John 16:33

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

This is the verse of the day that I found in my Bible app today. I don't check it everyday, but when the thought crosses my mind I know it is for a reason.

Tribulation: a cause of great trouble or suffering. It can come in many forms. Maybe it is the three exams coming up this week. Maybe someone you know passed away. Maybe you are struggling financially. Maybe you have a broken heart.

No matter what form its in, tribulation wears us out. It causes exhaustion. It throws you into a chaotic frenzy. Its messy. Its sticky. It is hard to clean up.

The Bible said that it would come. This life is not free of trials and pain. Instead, tribulation is woven in and out of daily life. It is a part of the world in which we live. Tribulation will come.

I keep trying to find rest. I sit on the couch and watch Netflix until the wee hours of the night. I take bubble baths to try and soak the pain away.  I eat massive amounts of cheese and pasta because I hope to fill the pit in my stomach. I try to keep my mind off the subject that really hurts me. But peace does not come from these things.

The moments I find true peace and rest are when I remember to let God in. When I stop trying to self medicate and let him speak, bits and pieces of weight are lifted off my shoulders. It is a shame that I forget to lean on Him. I wish I could be in constant conversation with Him, telling him all about my trials and tribulations. I wish my human heart understood the depths of God's peace. I wish I knew how to cling to Him with everything I have.

True peace is not the ceasing of trials. it is not the absence of tribulation. Peace is the comfort found in God's promises despite the trials and tribulation. Peace does not come by my own doing, it is through the Healer alone. I can not fully grasp the concept of God's peace, but He is showing me more with every passing day.

He knows that most days I will forget to rest in Him. He knows that my human heart will attempt to bandage the wounds myself, and yet He still proves His peace by binding up and holding my wounds in His hands anyway. God doesn't need me to recognize His peace for it to be given. It is given freely because He is peace in His very nature.

God is peace. He is the place of rest that you can fall on when those exams are done. He is a warm embrace when you lose someone close. He is the provider when money is short. he is true love when a broken heart is barely beating. He is peace.

Take heart; for He has overcome the world.

Drops of Home

I have never hated the rain. Not like most people do. The hot sun and heat wear me out, but the rain has always been refreshing. It's like home, but in a form of weather. I have never known a home without it. 

One of the earliest memories I have includes the rain. I can't remember how old I was or where I was. What I remember is that it was stormy outside. There was loud thunder and pelting rain. It was so stormy that eventually, the power had went out. I remember my mom lighting candles and pulling out flashlights so it must have been evening. After the candles were lit and the flashlights were found, we sat on the floor and played with my "little people" dollhouse. I can't tell you what we talked about or why I remember it, but I can tell you that every solitary time it storms, I remember that night. I cherish the rain because it reminds me of my mom's love for me. 

The rain is always around during my favorite times of the year. Thanksgiving a few years back I remember the wind and the rain well. My aunt wanted to get a few good photos of her family, and we braved the wind and the rain. Even though it was absolutely freezing, and we ended up drenched, we got some good shots. My aunt has always been  one to encourage my creativity through photography. Several years in a row, we have had these photo sessions and I'm thankful to have her encouragement so that I could improve on my skills. The rain reminds me of the people who believe in me.

My freshman year of college was a learning experience to say the least. I learned how to live away from my hometown, my parents, and all the things that were comfortable to me. I learned about God and about myself. 

One rainy day, after a long week of classes, my friends suggested we go puddle jumping. We got all dressed up in rain gear and headed out side. We started out puddle jumping but by the end it turned into a full on mud war. That was one of the most fun moments of my life thus far. The rain reminds me of what true friendship is. It is not being afraid of being yourself, and making the simple things like puddle jumping become the event of a lifetime.

And now. I have waited for rain to come and stay for weeks. I can't help but love the pitter patter sound it makes on the roof of my car when I'm waiting to go to class. I can't help but love the shimmering of the streetlights on the street at night reflecting off the water. I can't help but appreciate every drop that hits my face because the rain is my home. No matter where I go, near or far, rain makes me at peace. And I thank God for giving me rain to remind me of the blessings He gives.

Bits and Pieces

I Stand a Midst

I stand a midst

A stampede of wild horses.

I pray the whispers of my vocal cords

penetrate and startle

the ears of another,

and grasp their fast beating heart

urging their soul

to reside by the still waters

breathe in the crisp enticing winds

and stand a midst the stampede

of wild horses

next to me.

Trust Overcomes Fear

It leaves its marks

On your body

And on your soul

It causes your heart

To thrash & throb

To beat uncontrollably

It sets a fog in

Settling on your mind

Making you lost

It’s unrelenting, pushy,

And loud.

Fear does not keep itself hidden well

It only causes the soul to hide in the dark.

            Fear is a daily battle. Sometimes I am afraid of making a left turn when it says to yield to oncoming traffic. Other times I am afraid of the future.  Fear is gripping, and it comes in many forms. It can hold you dead in your tracks. I get stuck often. Stuck in a turn lane, and stuck on negative thoughts.

            I wrecked my car this summer. It was my fault and I was really embarrassed. Every day I remember the look on the woman’s face in the other vehicle, and every day I am afraid of seeing it again on someone else’s face. It wasn’t the wreck that started my fear of the road though, it was always there. The wreck only further provoked my worst thoughts.

            In the same way, I have always been scared of what’s ahead of me. I hate it when I don’t have a plan, or when I am late. I like to know what is coming a few steps in advance.

            I have unrelenting fear of what’s ahead that I am unable to see. I am learning that God doesn’t want me to see every step before it comes, but rather, He wants me to see Him. I need to see Him and seek Him before anything else. It is a tough lesson to learn. Letting God step in and shake your life is scary. He may do things and change things you never wanted touched. He may take you to places you never expected to be.

            That’s where I’m at. I am somewhere I never thought I would ever see. This place has my heart chained with fear. Sometimes I am so scared that I shake, and the rattling of my heavy chains echo in my day to day life. These fears cause me to stumble and fall and get stuck where I don’t need to be stuck. They cause me grief and keep me locked up. But no matter how hard I am shaking or how many tears drip off my cheeks; God is more unrelenting than my fear. He holds tighter than any scary thought that crosses my mind. He can see clearer than my foggy brain can comprehend. And He’s teaching me to trust him.

            Trust. Trust overcomes fear. Trust in God is the only way to escape the chains fear traps you in. Trust. Its easier said than done. But if learning to trust God means escaping the prison of fear, God do what you will.

            Teach me to let go of the things I no longer need to hold on to. Teach me to breathe. Teach me to love you more every single day. Keep teaching me to trust even if I am kicking and screaming the whole way.

            Finding peace in Him is worth more than a million days of my own careful planning. Trusting Him means driving to places I have never driven to, even though I may not know what lane to be in at every single turn, and even though it terrifies me. Trusting Him means letting go of my dreams, and letting Him build new ones in me.

Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and your staff they comfort me”.

I am the Sea

10/1/14

In life, people always compare their tough situation to an ocean. They say their life is like the raging sea, and there are howling winds knocking them down. Though that may be true, that's not how I feel.

Most days, I feel like I am the sea itself. Uncontrollable and utterly lost. Deep, confusing, vast, and wide. Some days I am calm and a place where others can come to relax or have fun, other days I am raging and stormy and a place of danger.

But the thing is, God created the sea, and all of its wonder. He created me too. He created me to go through the waves of life, no matter how rough they are. And more importantly, He is the only one who can calm the sea just by stretching out His hand.

He is calming the sea of my soul. Today, and everyday.

"Write Hard and Clear about what Hurts"

9/29/14

            Ernest Hemmingway once said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts”. Take the time to truly let your heart speak. Let the pain you feel be delicately placed words that fill a page. Don’t let it swallow you up. It’s easier said than done.

            Pain is tricky. Sometimes its physical and you bleed. Other times it’s emotional, but you still bleed. Emotional pain makes your soul bleed. This kind of pain is hard to articulate clearly. One moment you feel an overwhelming sadness and the next you are enraged. It’s like being thirteen years old again. If you drop your yogurt on the floor at it spills, your eyes will well up with tears. It’s silly really, that something so miniscule that has nothing to do with the real pain still produces an emotional response.

            It’s also strange and infuriating how all of life’s messes begin to connect. The original source of pain seeps its way into other weak areas of life and makes you feel awful. Getting mad at someone tail gating you should not relate to your heartache, but it does. And there is no explanation why.

            Heartache is difficult to understand. You hardly ever see it coming, and when it does come, it hits you like broken glass shards. Sharp, deep, and pain all over. It stings and bleeds and requires stitches. And like all wounds, it takes time to heal.

            But how much time? How do you know when enough pain is enough? When do you decide to pick yourself up and walk on? When do you begin to feel like yourself again?

            In reality, it’s not the stitches that heal a wound. It is the cells of the body coming together to mend the skin, the stitches are just a form of support. It’s the same with heartache. You may have friends and family around you for support, but the only thing that’s really going to heal you is the love of Christ, the savior living inside you. He is the true healer of human souls. He gives life and is close to the broken hearted.

            Heartache is even harder to understand because in the moments when you think you should be enveloped in sadness and grief; glimmers of hope somehow still find their place in the darkness. Words of a song bring a little peace, and laughter at a joke lightens the weight of pain, even if just for a second. That is Jesus. I know it is. I think that’s how He shows that He knows your pain, personally. He understands rejection because He himself was rejected by His own people. He suffered and knows my suffering. He holds the depths of my soul in His hands. On the days when I am shaking in fear, He is beside me. He might seem quiet sometimes, but he is speaking. He may feel far but He is holding me in his arms.

            I may not understand why heartache happens or how to overcome it, but I do know that God is with me. Through every high and every low, He is with me. I will forever praise God in my thunderstorms. I will cling to His promises. And even though I am afraid, I will trust that he knows what he is doing. The joy of the Lord shall be my strength. He will sustain me in my weakness.

            My wounds may still be bleeding and held together by stitches, but He is working. He is working on renewing my spirit and changing my heart. He is healing me, but in His timing. He is letting me find Him with the rain pouring down and the thunder rolling. He is placing people in my path to be my stitches. And He himself is binding up my wounds and bringing the healing. He is bigger than any circumstance, any feeling of doubt, and any burst of anger.

            Heartache may demand to be felt, but Jesus feels it with me. They say time heals all wounds, and maybe it helps, but Jesus is the true healer of my soul.

            I cannot write hard and clear about what hurts and not include His love. Because you can’t know how deeply He loves you until you see those glimmers of hope in the darkness.

            Until the day I find myself in a place of normalcy again, I will cling to those little glimmers of hope. I will take the small pieces of joy that I find because I know they are from Him. I will take Jesus before I take happiness. I will write hard and clear about the pieces of Christ I find amidst my heartache.