New Years Eve 2014

2014 has been a life changing year to say the least. I began the year in a totally different place than where I am ending it. At the beginning, I thought I had it all figured out. I had my plans and I knew exactly how I was going to accomplish them. I had what I thought I wanted and nothing could stand in my way.

            But now on the very last day of the year, I look back and I realize how much has changed. Those plans I had at the beginning got tattered, torn, and thrown out the window. I definitely do not have it all figured out, not even close. I don’t know my future.
            Most days that is something I hate. I hate not knowing what is coming next, not being able to prepare. But 2014 has become a year of growth and learning, and part of that includes learning to trust God. He knows my steps before I take them and He is teaching me to let him have the reigns, to let His will be done.

            I have learned that strength comes in a variety of forms. Sometimes strength is facing an issue head on, tackling the enemy with full force. Sometimes strength is focusing on the good in life and holding your head up, and sometimes strength is allowing yourself to feel the emotions that need to be felt, whether that is anger, happiness, or sadness. Sometimes strength comes in the midst of tears flowing down your cheeks. Sometimes strength is holding your tears in. Strength is multifaceted and is different for each person during any given moment.

            I have also learned what true love looks like. True love does not look like shiny rings, or planned out dates, or lofty gifts. True love doesn’t beg for attention. True love loves right where you’re at. It does not ask you to be someone you are not, but rather meets you at your knees and holds you tight. True love asks no questions and shows up when it’s needed, even in the wee hours of the night. True love forgives when wrong has been done, and does not hold a grudge. True love apologizes when they are wrong. True love pushes you to be better. True love is sad for your sadness and happy for your happiness. True love is not what the movies portray it to be. True love isn’t a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day or a bouquet of flowers. True love is a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. True love is a place to rest, and to catch your breath.

            I am sure that 2015 will have its trials, but it will also have its days of happy. I pray that this New Year brings more learning and more strength and love, because without it, I would not be who I am today. I hope that when I look back on what 2015 brings at the end of the year, I can say that I learned just as much.

            I walked into 2014 thinking I had it all, plans and everything. But I am walking out a changed woman. I am walking out of 2014 knowing so much more about who I am and who God is. 2014 has been tough, but it has a purpose. And that purpose is for good.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” --Jeremiah 29:11

Not a Cookie Cutter Human.

How does it feel to be let go? How do you like it? Did you enjoy the gut wrenching feeling when you were told you weren’t good enough? That you weren’t worth keeping? That you weren’t worth the effort? Do you understand what it’s like to have your whole world fall to pieces, to have everything go wrong? To hurt so badly that you’re inches from giving up? Do you know what it’s like to be betrayed by your closest friend? To be left behind in the dust and covered with layers of pain and suffering? You probably understand this a bit more now that you lost something you really wanted. But still, I don't think you truly understand what happens when you loose what you thought was real.

You might know struggle, it’s true. But you have always had everything you ever wanted. You have always gotten your way, even if it took a few bumps in the road along the way, you got it. You got exactly what you wanted. You got freedom. Or maybe what looks something like freedom. But you’re still trapped in that tiny town without a longing for more. You’re content being where you have always been, and I was not. That scared you. I scared you.

I was so afraid to disappoint you, to make you upset. So afraid that you would leave me over something that I didn’t want to do. So I gave in. Over and over and over I gave in to your desires, and shoving mine so far back that I believed I liked what I was doing. I lied to myself and thought that it was making us better. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. But I scared you.
 
I am scary. I’m emotional and passionate and loving and trusting and fearful and outspoken. I am every bit of what you’re not expecting. I am not a cookie cutter human. I can’t be put into a box and I won’t be put into a box ever again. I am scary and at times I will roar, but I am also interesting. I am also kind, and I am loving. I am not just scary. I am worth more than the gold on the earth, more than all the money in the world. I am the daughter of the most High King, fearfully and wonderfully made. I should not have to apologize or hide who I am. I was made to be me, not to be who you wanted me to be.

The truth is, scary can be good. Sticking with the things that scare you are the things that make you grow. Choosing not to give into fear fosters real faith. I am worth every bit of the faith it takes to know me. Relationships take real faith.

 

One day you will meet her. I hope she scares you. I hope she scares you more than I did. I hope she scares you but teaches you real faith. I hope you learn to believe that people are worth fighting for, no matter how scary they are. I hope you learn what it feels like to trust God when trusting Him is all you have left.

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            Trust is all that I have left. I was blindsided and cut off. I was left behind and forgotten. The only thing that keeps me going is trust and faith in the One who never fails to keep His promises. He is the One that keeps me steady; He is the one who has me wrapped up in His arms and never let me go.

            I could be angry. In fact, I was so angry at first. The plans He has for me are scary. I never saw this happening, and I never wanted it to. I didn’t want my life to be scary. But He is bigger than my desires and plans, He is teaching me to trust Him even when I am scared beyond belief. This kind of scary, the one that takes faith to overcome, that’s what makes all of this pain worth it.

             Get scared sometimes, but don’t let it overtake you. Don’t hide behind your fears. Boldly declare that God is bigger than your fear. And ya know what?  It’s okay to be scary. Be passionate. Be daring. Be loving and trusting. Be crazy, wild, calm, forlorn, withdrawn, hyper, mellow, whatever. Be you and don’t hide your emotions. God gave us emotions for a reason, and He made us who we are for a purpose. Scare people. Scare them into fostering their faith to grow bigger than they’d ever imagined.

Today I am choosing to grow my faith, even if it’s little by little.

December. Oh how I welcome, you, December.

December. Oh how I welcome, you, December.

            I welcome your familiar cold breezes and grey skies. I welcome the Christmas songs on the radio and the ones stuck in my head. I welcome your yummy treats and fun decorations. I welcome the evenings of blankets and Christmas movies.

            But Oh December, I welcome most of all the joy that you bring. The warm fuzzy feeling that December brings is almost indescribable. For months now, I have felt a dull pain lingering in my heart and in my head. But I tell you, December is starting to feel like a new beginning. It feels as if I am excited for something again. 

            As a child, I looked forward to December like most kids, excited for the Christmas festivities and excitement, but only more so. My birthday happens to fall during the first week of December, and I have always loved, loved my birthday. This past week I was honored to share a joint birthday celebration with my Grammy. All growing up I have made sure to tell her happy birthday and celebrate her life, but never in my 20 (almost 21) years have I ever shared a party with her. It was very special to blow out the candles and share opening of gifts with someone else. That was the beginning of the joy that December has shown me.

            I got home from Thanksgiving break feeling very loved. It was wonderful to have family constantly around me, offering up multitudes of hugs and laughter. When I came back to my apartment, my roommates and I cut out snowflakes, played Christmas music, and set up our very own tree. I think we all came back from Thanksgiving break feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the finals ahead of us.

            I know that these things may seem simple and perhaps meaningless to some. But what I have come to realize is that the spirit of Christmas and celebration really seems to warm my heart. These simple moments of celebration, decoration, or singing Christmas songs are things that I have loved and cherished my whole life. This December, I cherish them abundantly more. In all honesty, it has been quite a long time since I have been able to find joy in the things that once made me happy. I am so thankful that December and all of its blessings are not on that list. 

            More importantly, I am grateful that the month of December and the celebration of Christ’s birth still have a bearing on my life. No matter what difficulties come my way day in and day out of this life, I am humbled when I look in awe at the love God has for me. He sent His only son as a human baby to save the lost and bring salvation to the world. I can hardly describe how it feels to find joy in that truth amidst the pain that still lingers on in my heart. The month of December is impacting me in a way that I thought that it couldn’t this year. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t feel a reason to celebrate or find joy in holiday traditions. I am so thankful that I was wrong. Maybe I am being too honest, and sharing more than most people want to know. But this little, new found bit of joy is significant, and if I didn’t share my pain I wouldn’t be able to share that significance.

 

            December, I welcome the spirit of refreshment that you bring. I welcome your birthday festivities; I welcome the celebration of the Messiah. December has given me a hope of feeling like myself again, and for that I am so very thankful.