What I'm Feeling Now

--Be prepared, this post isn't filled with butterflies and rainbows. I’m being pretty honest with my thoughts in this one--

And just like that I am back to that dark place that is somehow a bitter friend. Instantly I find myself wrapped up in the emotions of it all, searching for answers. It had been weeks since I really felt sad, until last night.

            Out of the blue you crept into my life again, letting me know you were sorry for hurting me. Do I believe you? Do I even begin to think that you are sincere and not just looking for something to make you feel better about what you did? Am I happy that you apologized? Am I mad? Do you really think that I needed to hear it or did you just want to clear your conscience?

            Landing like heavy boulders on my heart, these questions raced through my mind as I ran from the room. My instant reaction was tears, a lot of them. And then shaking. I was in shock. Shocked that after 5 months of silence and uncertainty, you spoke up. Shocked that you had been listening to what God was saying to you. Shocked that you even might feel some kind of remorse.

            I wish I could just accept the apology like normal and move on. But it is not that simple. An apology from someone who broke your heart doesn't just come and go like the wind. It lingers like sticky gum on the bottom of a shoe. You carry it with you for the rest of the day and on through the night, wondering how you should respond, or if you should respond at all.

            Unfortunately, I can’t just let it sit there out in the open. I can’t keep re-reading your words and not think of things I wish I could say to you. Before, I never had a chance to express my feelings about the whole ordeal, you didn't let me. Why shouldn't I tell you now about the struggle I have been through the last 5 months? I can’t rest until I have said something to you.

            You made me feel like I was crazy, that I wasn't normal, and that I wasn't worth loving. Unfortunately, I still hurt because of that. I’m glad you’re able to see that the way you ended things was wrong and disrespectful. You don’t end a 3 ½ year relationship over the phone. You just don’t. Thank you for the apology, I guess. Forgiveness will come in time but I am not there yet. It took you 5 months to even realize you needed to say sorry. It’s going to take a lot longer than 5 months for me to be okay again. For the record, I’m not crazy. There are lots of good things about me that are worth fighting for. You were wrong about me.

            I’m not sure if those were the right words to say, or if I should have said anything at all. But those are the words I want you to read. Those are the things that have been eating at me day and night since August 25^th.  And even though it’s been five months since that day, I still feel the sting, your apology only reminds me.

            As much as I would love to be free of this and move on, I still can’t find it within me to be happy yet. I was doing better, enjoying pieces of each day, listening to love songs again and not welling up in tears. But I feel like its back. The cloud of rain that seems to follow me around. Whatever it is, it went away for a short time but is now hanging over me since last night when I saw your name flash across my phone screen.

            --Pray for me, friends. I need a lot of it. I wish I could tell you that I am as happy as ever and finally moving on, but I’m not yet. Pray that I would hear God’s voice in all of this. Pray that I would find a way to forgive. Pray that the Joy of the Lord would be my strength. Pray that I wouldn't be defined by my hurts but rather by the grace of God--