Searching for Peace

John 16:33

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

This is the verse of the day that I found in my Bible app today. I don't check it everyday, but when the thought crosses my mind I know it is for a reason.

Tribulation: a cause of great trouble or suffering. It can come in many forms. Maybe it is the three exams coming up this week. Maybe someone you know passed away. Maybe you are struggling financially. Maybe you have a broken heart.

No matter what form its in, tribulation wears us out. It causes exhaustion. It throws you into a chaotic frenzy. Its messy. Its sticky. It is hard to clean up.

The Bible said that it would come. This life is not free of trials and pain. Instead, tribulation is woven in and out of daily life. It is a part of the world in which we live. Tribulation will come.

I keep trying to find rest. I sit on the couch and watch Netflix until the wee hours of the night. I take bubble baths to try and soak the pain away.  I eat massive amounts of cheese and pasta because I hope to fill the pit in my stomach. I try to keep my mind off the subject that really hurts me. But peace does not come from these things.

The moments I find true peace and rest are when I remember to let God in. When I stop trying to self medicate and let him speak, bits and pieces of weight are lifted off my shoulders. It is a shame that I forget to lean on Him. I wish I could be in constant conversation with Him, telling him all about my trials and tribulations. I wish my human heart understood the depths of God's peace. I wish I knew how to cling to Him with everything I have.

True peace is not the ceasing of trials. it is not the absence of tribulation. Peace is the comfort found in God's promises despite the trials and tribulation. Peace does not come by my own doing, it is through the Healer alone. I can not fully grasp the concept of God's peace, but He is showing me more with every passing day.

He knows that most days I will forget to rest in Him. He knows that my human heart will attempt to bandage the wounds myself, and yet He still proves His peace by binding up and holding my wounds in His hands anyway. God doesn't need me to recognize His peace for it to be given. It is given freely because He is peace in His very nature.

God is peace. He is the place of rest that you can fall on when those exams are done. He is a warm embrace when you lose someone close. He is the provider when money is short. he is true love when a broken heart is barely beating. He is peace.

Take heart; for He has overcome the world.

Drops of Home

I have never hated the rain. Not like most people do. The hot sun and heat wear me out, but the rain has always been refreshing. It's like home, but in a form of weather. I have never known a home without it. 

One of the earliest memories I have includes the rain. I can't remember how old I was or where I was. What I remember is that it was stormy outside. There was loud thunder and pelting rain. It was so stormy that eventually, the power had went out. I remember my mom lighting candles and pulling out flashlights so it must have been evening. After the candles were lit and the flashlights were found, we sat on the floor and played with my "little people" dollhouse. I can't tell you what we talked about or why I remember it, but I can tell you that every solitary time it storms, I remember that night. I cherish the rain because it reminds me of my mom's love for me. 

The rain is always around during my favorite times of the year. Thanksgiving a few years back I remember the wind and the rain well. My aunt wanted to get a few good photos of her family, and we braved the wind and the rain. Even though it was absolutely freezing, and we ended up drenched, we got some good shots. My aunt has always been  one to encourage my creativity through photography. Several years in a row, we have had these photo sessions and I'm thankful to have her encouragement so that I could improve on my skills. The rain reminds me of the people who believe in me.

My freshman year of college was a learning experience to say the least. I learned how to live away from my hometown, my parents, and all the things that were comfortable to me. I learned about God and about myself. 

One rainy day, after a long week of classes, my friends suggested we go puddle jumping. We got all dressed up in rain gear and headed out side. We started out puddle jumping but by the end it turned into a full on mud war. That was one of the most fun moments of my life thus far. The rain reminds me of what true friendship is. It is not being afraid of being yourself, and making the simple things like puddle jumping become the event of a lifetime.

And now. I have waited for rain to come and stay for weeks. I can't help but love the pitter patter sound it makes on the roof of my car when I'm waiting to go to class. I can't help but love the shimmering of the streetlights on the street at night reflecting off the water. I can't help but appreciate every drop that hits my face because the rain is my home. No matter where I go, near or far, rain makes me at peace. And I thank God for giving me rain to remind me of the blessings He gives.

Bits and Pieces

I Stand a Midst

I stand a midst

A stampede of wild horses.

I pray the whispers of my vocal cords

penetrate and startle

the ears of another,

and grasp their fast beating heart

urging their soul

to reside by the still waters

breathe in the crisp enticing winds

and stand a midst the stampede

of wild horses

next to me.

Trust Overcomes Fear

It leaves its marks

On your body

And on your soul

It causes your heart

To thrash & throb

To beat uncontrollably

It sets a fog in

Settling on your mind

Making you lost

It’s unrelenting, pushy,

And loud.

Fear does not keep itself hidden well

It only causes the soul to hide in the dark.

            Fear is a daily battle. Sometimes I am afraid of making a left turn when it says to yield to oncoming traffic. Other times I am afraid of the future.  Fear is gripping, and it comes in many forms. It can hold you dead in your tracks. I get stuck often. Stuck in a turn lane, and stuck on negative thoughts.

            I wrecked my car this summer. It was my fault and I was really embarrassed. Every day I remember the look on the woman’s face in the other vehicle, and every day I am afraid of seeing it again on someone else’s face. It wasn’t the wreck that started my fear of the road though, it was always there. The wreck only further provoked my worst thoughts.

            In the same way, I have always been scared of what’s ahead of me. I hate it when I don’t have a plan, or when I am late. I like to know what is coming a few steps in advance.

            I have unrelenting fear of what’s ahead that I am unable to see. I am learning that God doesn’t want me to see every step before it comes, but rather, He wants me to see Him. I need to see Him and seek Him before anything else. It is a tough lesson to learn. Letting God step in and shake your life is scary. He may do things and change things you never wanted touched. He may take you to places you never expected to be.

            That’s where I’m at. I am somewhere I never thought I would ever see. This place has my heart chained with fear. Sometimes I am so scared that I shake, and the rattling of my heavy chains echo in my day to day life. These fears cause me to stumble and fall and get stuck where I don’t need to be stuck. They cause me grief and keep me locked up. But no matter how hard I am shaking or how many tears drip off my cheeks; God is more unrelenting than my fear. He holds tighter than any scary thought that crosses my mind. He can see clearer than my foggy brain can comprehend. And He’s teaching me to trust him.

            Trust. Trust overcomes fear. Trust in God is the only way to escape the chains fear traps you in. Trust. Its easier said than done. But if learning to trust God means escaping the prison of fear, God do what you will.

            Teach me to let go of the things I no longer need to hold on to. Teach me to breathe. Teach me to love you more every single day. Keep teaching me to trust even if I am kicking and screaming the whole way.

            Finding peace in Him is worth more than a million days of my own careful planning. Trusting Him means driving to places I have never driven to, even though I may not know what lane to be in at every single turn, and even though it terrifies me. Trusting Him means letting go of my dreams, and letting Him build new ones in me.

Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and your staff they comfort me”.

I am the Sea

10/1/14

In life, people always compare their tough situation to an ocean. They say their life is like the raging sea, and there are howling winds knocking them down. Though that may be true, that's not how I feel.

Most days, I feel like I am the sea itself. Uncontrollable and utterly lost. Deep, confusing, vast, and wide. Some days I am calm and a place where others can come to relax or have fun, other days I am raging and stormy and a place of danger.

But the thing is, God created the sea, and all of its wonder. He created me too. He created me to go through the waves of life, no matter how rough they are. And more importantly, He is the only one who can calm the sea just by stretching out His hand.

He is calming the sea of my soul. Today, and everyday.

"Write Hard and Clear about what Hurts"

9/29/14

            Ernest Hemmingway once said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts”. Take the time to truly let your heart speak. Let the pain you feel be delicately placed words that fill a page. Don’t let it swallow you up. It’s easier said than done.

            Pain is tricky. Sometimes its physical and you bleed. Other times it’s emotional, but you still bleed. Emotional pain makes your soul bleed. This kind of pain is hard to articulate clearly. One moment you feel an overwhelming sadness and the next you are enraged. It’s like being thirteen years old again. If you drop your yogurt on the floor at it spills, your eyes will well up with tears. It’s silly really, that something so miniscule that has nothing to do with the real pain still produces an emotional response.

            It’s also strange and infuriating how all of life’s messes begin to connect. The original source of pain seeps its way into other weak areas of life and makes you feel awful. Getting mad at someone tail gating you should not relate to your heartache, but it does. And there is no explanation why.

            Heartache is difficult to understand. You hardly ever see it coming, and when it does come, it hits you like broken glass shards. Sharp, deep, and pain all over. It stings and bleeds and requires stitches. And like all wounds, it takes time to heal.

            But how much time? How do you know when enough pain is enough? When do you decide to pick yourself up and walk on? When do you begin to feel like yourself again?

            In reality, it’s not the stitches that heal a wound. It is the cells of the body coming together to mend the skin, the stitches are just a form of support. It’s the same with heartache. You may have friends and family around you for support, but the only thing that’s really going to heal you is the love of Christ, the savior living inside you. He is the true healer of human souls. He gives life and is close to the broken hearted.

            Heartache is even harder to understand because in the moments when you think you should be enveloped in sadness and grief; glimmers of hope somehow still find their place in the darkness. Words of a song bring a little peace, and laughter at a joke lightens the weight of pain, even if just for a second. That is Jesus. I know it is. I think that’s how He shows that He knows your pain, personally. He understands rejection because He himself was rejected by His own people. He suffered and knows my suffering. He holds the depths of my soul in His hands. On the days when I am shaking in fear, He is beside me. He might seem quiet sometimes, but he is speaking. He may feel far but He is holding me in his arms.

            I may not understand why heartache happens or how to overcome it, but I do know that God is with me. Through every high and every low, He is with me. I will forever praise God in my thunderstorms. I will cling to His promises. And even though I am afraid, I will trust that he knows what he is doing. The joy of the Lord shall be my strength. He will sustain me in my weakness.

            My wounds may still be bleeding and held together by stitches, but He is working. He is working on renewing my spirit and changing my heart. He is healing me, but in His timing. He is letting me find Him with the rain pouring down and the thunder rolling. He is placing people in my path to be my stitches. And He himself is binding up my wounds and bringing the healing. He is bigger than any circumstance, any feeling of doubt, and any burst of anger.

            Heartache may demand to be felt, but Jesus feels it with me. They say time heals all wounds, and maybe it helps, but Jesus is the true healer of my soul.

            I cannot write hard and clear about what hurts and not include His love. Because you can’t know how deeply He loves you until you see those glimmers of hope in the darkness.

            Until the day I find myself in a place of normalcy again, I will cling to those little glimmers of hope. I will take the small pieces of joy that I find because I know they are from Him. I will take Jesus before I take happiness. I will write hard and clear about the pieces of Christ I find amidst my heartache.