Happiness

Happiness is:

A crisp new piece of paper

The first sip of delight

finishing a test

singing a song you love

hugs

receiving a compliment

Grammy and Papa's house

hearing God speak

Sweatshirts

home cookin'

feeling good lookin'

laughing with friends

making amends

resting in silence

waking before the sun

sleeping until noon

watching snowflakes drift to the ground

Christmas morning 

Thanksgiving aroma

new born babies

silly little 7 year olds

when anxiety subsides

finding the missing piece

swings

ocean towns

friendly faces

sweet iced tea

cuddles 

kisses

sentimental valuables

Planter's Days

brand new Sharpie pens

helping a friend

the viewfinder on my Cannon

and the clicky button too

eyes that are bluer than blue

saving grace

my Savior's embrace

Corban University

God loving me

for me.

I am Built

 

 

I wish I was one of those people that loved to lay out on the beach under the hot sun. I wish I wanted to travel to the warm places of the world and vacation. In my mind that seems like it would be so relaxing and rejuvenating. But in reality, the sun turns my skin a not so lovely and very painful shade of lobster red. And the constant heat makes me nauseous. Really, it does. I was not built for the sun.

I’m not built like other people. I don’t look at kittens and squeal with joy and happiness. Instead, I run away from them, literally. I don’t watch a football game and get riled up over the referees making calls. Instead, I watch the cheerleaders and pay attention to their movements and how they work together. I don’t hate school and I don’t hate homework. I was always the kid that stayed inside during recess to read a book or help the teacher. Sure, I don’t love gathering the motivation to start homework, but I love the sense of accomplishment that comes when I finish. I don’t like peanut butter and chocolate together. Yes, peanut butter is great with jelly on a sandwich, but please don’t put it on chocolate ice cream. Or pancakes. It takes over the entire flavor of everything.

I feel like so many people don’t like tradition. I don’t hate tradition, in fact, I hate when tradition falters or goes away. I appreciate things that I can expect in a certain way on a regular or yearly basis, probably more so than I should.

Sure, change is hard for everyone, but often I view change as my mortal enemy. Change puts me in panic mode. I have a ridiculously hard time “going with the flow”. Planning ahead for my day or my week is something I have to do. But I can’t plan for change. I wish that I could “play life by ear”. I wish I wasn’t confined to the prison of planning. I wish I didn’t fear change. I wish I was built for movement and flow, but I’m not. I am not built for the sun. I am not built to love kittens. I am not built for peanut butter and chocolate concoctions. And I am not built for abrupt change.

Still, I am built. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Maker of the stars. I was knit together in my mother’s womb by the God of the universe. I was built for a purpose and with a plan. I was made matchless, unique, unlike any other human being. I was built to be Kory, not to be Martha, Kelly, or Jane.

For as long as I can remember, I have wished to be built like someone else. Somebody who fits into the world a little better than I do. Someone who enjoys the things that most other people enjoy. Someone who is fun and that everybody likes.

Why is it that I have spent my life wanting to be a pretty bloom when I was built to be the roots holding it up? Why am I looking to change my identity? Why can’t I see my likes and dislikes, the things that make me different, as a way to make a difference in the world? Why do I question my Maker’s ability to build me the way I am supposed to be?

I can’t answer these questions, I can only ask them out in the open so they might be heard. Perhaps I am not the only person who wishes they were built differently. Maybe I am not the only person who runs away from kittens when the rest of the world squeals at their “cuteness”. Maybe I am not the only person who meticulously plans out daily life. Maybe someone else is questioning the way they were built, too. Maybe we all do.

My goal is to use the tools that God has given me and put them to use. My goal is to trust the Maker of the stars and not my human experiences. My goal is to learn to love how I was built. But like any goal, it is going to take effort and support.


And time. It is going to take time.

•• { Forgive Me } ••

I have to apologize. For a lack of faith. I'm sorry I never waited for you. I'm sorry I was in such a hurry to find what I thought was love. I'm sorry for not trusting God's timing. I'm sorry for hoping you were someone else. Forgive me for losing myself. Forgive me for putting someone else in your place. Forgive me for giving pieces of my heart away and not to you. I'm sorry for having to write this at all. But I suppose we live through our experiences for a reason, even the ones we are sorry for.

 I pray that wherever you are and who ever you are that you are finding God. I hope you trust him more than I do. I hope you love him with your whole heart. I hope you like who you are. I pray you are leading a life so full that you don't feel like your missing any pieces. I hope you are filling your mind with knowledge and filling your heart with truth. I hope your learning to be a spiritual leader. I hope you love music. And I hope that you love tradition. I pray that you like steak and potatoes. I hope you like romantic comedies. I hope that you want to see places you have never been and that you want to tell people about Jesus. I hope you value education and value people. I pray you are everything and nothing I expect. I pray that you are these things and more.

But most of all I pray. Every single day. For you, whoever you are, and for who you will become. I am praying that we will come together at the right time and be an example of faith. I won't stop praying. I hope you're praying too.