This is my life and I am SO thankful for it.

I Can't Forget

Oh how my heart longs for romance. Why can't I be content with the love of friends and family in my life? Why do I feel so empty when God gives me relationships with friends to fill me? Why when I'm pointed in God's direction do I strain my neck to look at what I'm leaving behind?

I wish I could keep my eyes on the road ahead. I wish that the past didn't linger in my dreams every night. I hate that my heart can't let go. I want so bad to move forward and yet until keep wondering... what if ? What if I had done this? What if I had done that? What if I had figured out my problems earlier? Would he still love me?

The answer is no. There is nothing I could've done to change the outcome. It had to happen. There is nothing in my power that could have prevented heart break. Nothing. And though I realize that its all according to God's plan, I still question it every single day.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish to start over and try again, to try and erase the pain. That's the thing, the past can't be erased. I don't get do overs. I don't get to forget the good things and I certainly don't get to forget the bad. So many times I have thought, what if I just clip out the parts of my brain that he occupies and just move on with my life for good? But the past can't be erased and I can't forget what it's like to have someone to love and to snuggle with anytime I want. I can't forget what it's like to be taken on a romantic picnic. I can't erase all the happy memories of birthdays, christmas, and easters. I can't forget.

That's why my heart aches. The memories are saturating my mind and keep me up at night. They try and convince me that I'm not worth lovong. They push me and shove me and bruise my soul. The memories hold me captive. The memories make me believe that I need romance in my life to make me happy. The memories sting and burn like a fresh paper cut. Maybe one day I will appreciate the memories but that is not today and it probably won't be tomorrow.

I'm thankful for the people in my life who remind me to make new happy memories. Memories that don't make me cringe with grief. I can't hear it enough that things will get better. I can't hear it enough that God has a plan. There is just something about being told that over and over that has me craving for more. I crave encouragement. Encouragement pulls me out of the dark cave of sad memories and flickers a light of hope. Encouragement brings me back to life.

I thank God every day for the pillars of strength he has placed in my life. He knows that I need a sense of family and love constantly in order to keep me from drowning. He knows that when I'm alone I look through old pictures and sob. He knows that if I spend time with friends that's am able to forget for a little while. He knows I need encouragement.

I can't forget the past but I can accept encouragement and love. Through this past school year I have learned so much about what it is like to be unconditionally loved. Jesus has shown me his unending love through my pain, and that is something I never want to forget. I never want to forget what it is like to be held when I am a crying mess and a puddle of tears. I never want to forget what it is like to be cared for. I never want to forget what it's like to be prayed over. I never want to forget that Jesus has already won the victory.

Everything happens for a reason they say, and I can't deny that truth.. no matter how much I want a redo, nothing would bring me to the place I am now. I wouldn't know God's love in the same way without the hurt. I wouldn't know him and I would have forgotten his great sacrifice.

He is shaping me and changing me. Praise God for his unending grace. And praise God for the encouragement he gives me.

The Real Kind of Love.

                 Every single day I experience some form of love. Some days it’s a happy greeting and a hug. Some days it’s a smile from a stranger. Some days it’s a critical piece of advice. Some days it is a shoulder to cry on. Love cannot be put into a box. It goes beyond my presuppositions of what love should look like, it crosses borders and breaks chains. Real love tears down walls of insecurity and meets fear on its knees. Real love bows down and sits beside the trembling and the heart ache. Real love hears stories that would bring shock to most but responds with a hug and encouragement.

            Love is not limited to chocolates and roses. Love is not upset by mistakes or shaken from uncertainty. Love accepts people as they are, broken and shattered, or standing tall and shimmering. Love celebrates success and mourns with loss. Love is not flattery, but instead is the building up of strength in others. Love is complicated. It’s not always easy to love the people who have hurt us or who have stopped loving us. Love requires work to be authentic. It is not simply just something we give out when we are having a good day. Love requires honesty and sincerity even on the days when we feel unlovable. Love is learning from mistakes. It means that our past is not the defining point of our lives, love gives us purpose to press on.

            Love doesn't look like the movies. It’s not always hand holding and kisses. Love is also the bandager of deep wounds and the consequence giver of bad choices. Love is more than just a fairy tale, its truth in its most potent form. It seeps into our souls like a piece of butter melts into a warm roll. Love reminds humans of their personhood. Love restores and love redeems. Love places an infinite value on the people in this world. Love seeks to turn the ugly in our lives into something beautiful, even if that means taking risks.

            Love. It’s something I have learned a lot about in the recent months. I am grateful for the people God placed in my life for such a time as this, because it is through Gods people that His love is communicated. It is through the effervescent life around us that Christ’s love abounds. Through deep waters and through sunny skies, love travels. Just as Christ laid down his life for His friends, love goes beyond the simplicity of cards and adornments, it goes beyond what fits in a schedule, love asks no questions.

             Love is shouting the ABC’s in the middle of the dance floor because a friend didn't like the song that was on. Love is slow dancing with a friend during a love song because you know inside they are a wreck. Love is doing stupid dance moves just to make someone laugh. Love is disregarding personal needs and taking on someone else’s. Love doesn't have to be glorified outings and presents. Sometimes love can just be sharing a meal together or jamming to rap music really loud and going on a drive. The thing about love is that it can be anything you make it. Love is only limited by our own perceptions. If we seek to find love for ourselves, we will come up short. But if we seek to love others as Christ loved us, love will find us and it will enrich our hearts. Love is washing the feet of even our greatest enemies so that the love of Christ himself is shown through us.

How well are you loving those who are hard to love?

These Little Imperfections

"There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections" - Ziad K. Abseil our

This is something I have always struggled with. I am constantly in performance mode, trying to be that girl who has it all together. She's always on time, never misses assignments, is in good relationship with the people around her, etc. I have always wanted to do good and to do it right the first time.

Everyone knows the truth though. We all know it's impossible to be perfect. We all know that others struggle so why do we pretend that we don't? Why do I try to mask my imperfections only to drive myself crazy when I fail? Honestly, it's the people who struggle and still return with strength and unshakeable faith that inspire me, not the perfect ones. Why do I believe this would be any different for myself?

My brain is in constant battle. One half battling for perfection and a good reputation and the other half is fighting for my humanness and my mistakes. One half of my brain is concerned with what other people think of me and the other is only concerned with what God thinks of me. 

Why do I let the fear of failure scare me so much? Doesn't God tell us that He can make beauty from the ashes? masterpieces from garbage? Do my actions really show that? Do I really believe in His grace? If the God I believe is the God of mercy and forgiveness, what good is trying to achieve perfection?

God does not use perfect people to make an impact. He uses broken ones. Adam, David, Jonah, Paul. Those men were far from perfect and yet they are the ones who tell Gods story. They are the people God chose to impact the world. God uses their brokenness for good, surely He can use mine.

I want to inspire people to love Christ more. He will shine the brightest through my broken pieces and imperfections. He called me His child while I was still a sinner. He says come as you are.

I can't be moved by my God if I pretend that I don't need to be moved. Hardened clay can't be molded and formed of its already covered with a shiny glaze. Wood can not be carved into if it has sat for so long that it has become rock. I can not display the glory of God if I am constantly trying to display my own. Jesus was perfect so I didn't have to be. And yet, He said that we would do greater works than He did.

God use me, right where I am. Use my broken pieces to shine your light. Mold me. Shape me. Move me. I want to inspire other to love you regardless of my faults. Help me break down the wall of perfection and open the floodgates of Your will. Thank you for loving me just as I am. Please help me to do the same. 

Restoring Focus

             Today I received this bit of scripture from a friend:

“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you STRONG, FIRM, and STEADFAST. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:10-11

            Today is the day that I needed to hear that. Today is the day that I have been dreading. It is a reminder of things of the past that still stings and yet so many have come along side me and held me up. Today I have witnessed patience. Today I have experienced so much support in such few words. He knew today would be hard, so He sent His love in the form of my wonderful friends and in the form of sunshine and light breezes. He sent His love in the form of an overwhelming chapel and sending His presence. Today I felt God, and I know it’s because I needed it.

            Every day in my Biblical Worldview Class we pray at the start. And every day at the end of the prayer my professor says “Lord, restore to us the joy of your salvation”. I look forward to praying those words every single time. Restoration of the Lord’s joy is exactly what I am seeking. And then receiving that verse today with the word “restore” in it, it is only clearer that God is moving. God moved today. He moved and met me where I am. He showed Himself on a day where fear was all I felt. He wrapped His arms around me.

            Another verse stuck out to me today:

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you” Isaiah 43:2.

            I saw it scrolling on my Facebook feed and decided that it was something I needed to remind myself of more often. I saved the picture and made it the back ground on my phone. That may seem silly but it has taken me a long time to get back to a place where I believe that. It has taken me months of tears, anger, and encouragement from those who love me to believe that God is with me and that He never left.

            Today was not a dark dreary upsetting day like I thought it would be. The sun came out and I noticed flowers were blooming. I was reminded over and over again that no matter my circumstance, God is with me and will carry me. He is restoring me. And He is using those around me to show his endless love.

            Today might mark a day that really hurts to remember, but today God did not let that be the focus. Instead He became the focus and is restoring my soul to Himself. I could not be more grateful.

The Trouble with Snooze Buttons

             Every single day I wake up just enough to push snooze. I roll over and I fall back asleep until the ringing begins again. Eventually I work myself up to climbing down and fumbling through the process of getting ready all while thinking “I wish I was back in bed”. I find that all day I look forward to the moment when I get to climb back into my bed and forget about my problems for several hours, or at least that’s my attempt. Sometimes I have dreams that remind me of what’s going on in reality, other times I have dreams that are nothing like real life. There are days when staying asleep is really difficult, like I can’t seem to turn my brain off, and yet still, I would rather stay in bed than get up and experience my life. It’s easier to push things to the back of my mind than face them head on. It’s easier to push snooze on my alarm than get up and face what is in front of me. It’s easier to pretend that I am fine when really all I want is to be free from doubt and my heart is begging to come alive again.

            It’s like I am on stay in bed mode all the time. I remember my freshman year of college I could hardly stand sleeping in past 8 am because it felt like I was wasting my day away. Now, I hardly manage to rub the sleep out of my eyes before 10:30 on the weekends, if I am lucky. I am constantly running a list in my mind of all the things I have to get accomplished in a given day, why would I want to get up for that? Why would I want to get up just to get to work? Where did that motivation disappear to? What happened to life being what I wanted to do rather than lying in bed? How do I get it back?

            I know that this is pretty typical. It’s not a surprise that a college student in the trudges of their junior year is exhausted and wants to sleep. I am just craving something that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I want something that is worth getting up early for. I want to feel alive again. It’s not just that I am tired and my body needs rest. It’s that I feel almost lifeless, or sort of wandering through everyday mundane things. I am not sleepy. I am uninterested. I am not exhausted. I am apathetic. My bed is just a place where blankets of procrastination and doubt cuddle me in that it almost feels warm. I am dissatisfied with my desire to live everyday life. I am looking forward to the day when the snooze button has no hold over me. I am looking forward to the day when staying inside with my Netflix on my lap no longer sounds better than breathing in the fresh air and admiring the world around me. I am looking forward to the day when I jump at the chance to get out of bed and accomplish something. I look forward to the day when I become interested again.

            The trouble with a snooze button is that it allows me to roll over. It allows me to ignore the things that place doubt in my heart. It allows me to skip past the things that scare me. It allows me to miss the things that are going by. I feel like I fell asleep on the first day of school and have been pushing snooze ever since. Where did my junior year go? How did I even get this far? How is it possible that in just a few short weeks I will be standing in front of a classroom teaching real students about classification of living things? That was supposed to be ages away and now it is here and gaining ground rapidly. Pretty soon I will be standing in the front of the room like a deer in headlights if I don’t find some way to be excited about this upcoming challenge. I want to want to teach these kids. I want to want to do the best job that I can possibly do. I want to want to wake up on the first alarm. I don’t want to snooze. I don’t want to let life roll by without me noticing. 

Appreciating Lightning

Even in the middle of a raging storm, I can appreciate the lightning.

            Driving down the road that was wet with recent rain, I saw a flash of light. I didn’t know where it came from or if would come again. My roommates said that it was probably lightning, but I wasn’t so sure. Lightning and storms don’t come that often. Usually in the Pacific Northwest, all we get is rain. Sometimes it sprinkles, sometimes it down pours, but usually there isn’t anything much more exciting than that.

            We continued on the road toward Corban, and there it was. A bright, beautiful, lavender flash of light across the sky in front of us. There had yet to be a single raindrop on my windshield. I pulled in the parking lot and almost instantaneously loud hail started falling on the car. We opened the doors to get out and were greeted with heavy gusts of wind that made the trees bend and howl. It began to rain as we walked up the stairs, but this rain was not just a sprinkling or a trickle. It was a down pour. We were almost up the steps when yet again another flash of light caused us to scream and run towards the doors of the Psalm Center.

            Inside we found our seats and watched as students filed in, all soaked with rain. Hair dripping, but smiling faces. Abby and I decided we weren’t done watching the lightening. We went outside, standing under the large awning, just waiting for more excitement. We had only been outside maybe a minute when it happened. Probably the clearest view of lightning I have ever seen flashed in the field across from us. It lit up the sky a kind of eerie lavender and with it came a loud boom of thunder. Truthfully, I love thunder. I love the way it makes me feel like a child again, wanting to cling to my mom. I love the way it reminds me of God’s voice as it is described in the Bible.

            We wanted to watch the storm longer but Abby and I headed inside for the event. We kept watching out the windows, hoping to see another thrill of lavender glory strike the ground. They closed the doors and the show began, with only a small flicker of the lights to remind us of the storm rolling on outdoors. By the time the show was over, the storm had passed and the thunder ceased. We were all a little disappointed that we missed the show outside for a show inside, though the talent show was a lot of fun.

            I find it interesting that there is something sort of amazing about lightning. For me, it sends a thrill through my veins. I love the fact that you can see it so clearly and then in a flash it disappears right before your eyes. Something that can be so dangerous and destructive is also incredibly beautiful and breathtaking. In the middle of a storm, I can appreciate the lightning. I can appreciate something beautiful even in the midst of chaos. I find God in those moments. The moments where I am in a whirlwind of stress, exhaustion, confusion, and doubt, He shows me something amazing. He shows me how much the people around me love me and the wonderful small things that are still part of daily life. God reveals Himself in the midst of storms. He is the reminder of strength and beauty when the rest of the world is black, He is the flash of lavender beauty that catches my attention.

 Even though I can’t always see Him or feel Him, He is still present through my struggle. I am so thankful that He reveals beauty in the midst of ashes, or lightening in the middle of a storm. He turns the hurt into healing and the bad into good. He is the refuge for my soul when gusts of wind are making trees in my mind howl with doubt and confusion. He is constant though the trial and the change. He is beautiful.