I Can't Forget

Oh how my heart longs for romance. Why can't I be content with the love of friends and family in my life? Why do I feel so empty when God gives me relationships with friends to fill me? Why when I'm pointed in God's direction do I strain my neck to look at what I'm leaving behind?

I wish I could keep my eyes on the road ahead. I wish that the past didn't linger in my dreams every night. I hate that my heart can't let go. I want so bad to move forward and yet until keep wondering... what if ? What if I had done this? What if I had done that? What if I had figured out my problems earlier? Would he still love me?

The answer is no. There is nothing I could've done to change the outcome. It had to happen. There is nothing in my power that could have prevented heart break. Nothing. And though I realize that its all according to God's plan, I still question it every single day.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish to start over and try again, to try and erase the pain. That's the thing, the past can't be erased. I don't get do overs. I don't get to forget the good things and I certainly don't get to forget the bad. So many times I have thought, what if I just clip out the parts of my brain that he occupies and just move on with my life for good? But the past can't be erased and I can't forget what it's like to have someone to love and to snuggle with anytime I want. I can't forget what it's like to be taken on a romantic picnic. I can't erase all the happy memories of birthdays, christmas, and easters. I can't forget.

That's why my heart aches. The memories are saturating my mind and keep me up at night. They try and convince me that I'm not worth lovong. They push me and shove me and bruise my soul. The memories hold me captive. The memories make me believe that I need romance in my life to make me happy. The memories sting and burn like a fresh paper cut. Maybe one day I will appreciate the memories but that is not today and it probably won't be tomorrow.

I'm thankful for the people in my life who remind me to make new happy memories. Memories that don't make me cringe with grief. I can't hear it enough that things will get better. I can't hear it enough that God has a plan. There is just something about being told that over and over that has me craving for more. I crave encouragement. Encouragement pulls me out of the dark cave of sad memories and flickers a light of hope. Encouragement brings me back to life.

I thank God every day for the pillars of strength he has placed in my life. He knows that I need a sense of family and love constantly in order to keep me from drowning. He knows that when I'm alone I look through old pictures and sob. He knows that if I spend time with friends that's am able to forget for a little while. He knows I need encouragement.

I can't forget the past but I can accept encouragement and love. Through this past school year I have learned so much about what it is like to be unconditionally loved. Jesus has shown me his unending love through my pain, and that is something I never want to forget. I never want to forget what it is like to be held when I am a crying mess and a puddle of tears. I never want to forget what it is like to be cared for. I never want to forget what it's like to be prayed over. I never want to forget that Jesus has already won the victory.

Everything happens for a reason they say, and I can't deny that truth.. no matter how much I want a redo, nothing would bring me to the place I am now. I wouldn't know God's love in the same way without the hurt. I wouldn't know him and I would have forgotten his great sacrifice.

He is shaping me and changing me. Praise God for his unending grace. And praise God for the encouragement he gives me.