Restoring Focus

             Today I received this bit of scripture from a friend:

“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you STRONG, FIRM, and STEADFAST. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:10-11

            Today is the day that I needed to hear that. Today is the day that I have been dreading. It is a reminder of things of the past that still stings and yet so many have come along side me and held me up. Today I have witnessed patience. Today I have experienced so much support in such few words. He knew today would be hard, so He sent His love in the form of my wonderful friends and in the form of sunshine and light breezes. He sent His love in the form of an overwhelming chapel and sending His presence. Today I felt God, and I know it’s because I needed it.

            Every day in my Biblical Worldview Class we pray at the start. And every day at the end of the prayer my professor says “Lord, restore to us the joy of your salvation”. I look forward to praying those words every single time. Restoration of the Lord’s joy is exactly what I am seeking. And then receiving that verse today with the word “restore” in it, it is only clearer that God is moving. God moved today. He moved and met me where I am. He showed Himself on a day where fear was all I felt. He wrapped His arms around me.

            Another verse stuck out to me today:

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you” Isaiah 43:2.

            I saw it scrolling on my Facebook feed and decided that it was something I needed to remind myself of more often. I saved the picture and made it the back ground on my phone. That may seem silly but it has taken me a long time to get back to a place where I believe that. It has taken me months of tears, anger, and encouragement from those who love me to believe that God is with me and that He never left.

            Today was not a dark dreary upsetting day like I thought it would be. The sun came out and I noticed flowers were blooming. I was reminded over and over again that no matter my circumstance, God is with me and will carry me. He is restoring me. And He is using those around me to show his endless love.

            Today might mark a day that really hurts to remember, but today God did not let that be the focus. Instead He became the focus and is restoring my soul to Himself. I could not be more grateful.

The Trouble with Snooze Buttons

             Every single day I wake up just enough to push snooze. I roll over and I fall back asleep until the ringing begins again. Eventually I work myself up to climbing down and fumbling through the process of getting ready all while thinking “I wish I was back in bed”. I find that all day I look forward to the moment when I get to climb back into my bed and forget about my problems for several hours, or at least that’s my attempt. Sometimes I have dreams that remind me of what’s going on in reality, other times I have dreams that are nothing like real life. There are days when staying asleep is really difficult, like I can’t seem to turn my brain off, and yet still, I would rather stay in bed than get up and experience my life. It’s easier to push things to the back of my mind than face them head on. It’s easier to push snooze on my alarm than get up and face what is in front of me. It’s easier to pretend that I am fine when really all I want is to be free from doubt and my heart is begging to come alive again.

            It’s like I am on stay in bed mode all the time. I remember my freshman year of college I could hardly stand sleeping in past 8 am because it felt like I was wasting my day away. Now, I hardly manage to rub the sleep out of my eyes before 10:30 on the weekends, if I am lucky. I am constantly running a list in my mind of all the things I have to get accomplished in a given day, why would I want to get up for that? Why would I want to get up just to get to work? Where did that motivation disappear to? What happened to life being what I wanted to do rather than lying in bed? How do I get it back?

            I know that this is pretty typical. It’s not a surprise that a college student in the trudges of their junior year is exhausted and wants to sleep. I am just craving something that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I want something that is worth getting up early for. I want to feel alive again. It’s not just that I am tired and my body needs rest. It’s that I feel almost lifeless, or sort of wandering through everyday mundane things. I am not sleepy. I am uninterested. I am not exhausted. I am apathetic. My bed is just a place where blankets of procrastination and doubt cuddle me in that it almost feels warm. I am dissatisfied with my desire to live everyday life. I am looking forward to the day when the snooze button has no hold over me. I am looking forward to the day when staying inside with my Netflix on my lap no longer sounds better than breathing in the fresh air and admiring the world around me. I am looking forward to the day when I jump at the chance to get out of bed and accomplish something. I look forward to the day when I become interested again.

            The trouble with a snooze button is that it allows me to roll over. It allows me to ignore the things that place doubt in my heart. It allows me to skip past the things that scare me. It allows me to miss the things that are going by. I feel like I fell asleep on the first day of school and have been pushing snooze ever since. Where did my junior year go? How did I even get this far? How is it possible that in just a few short weeks I will be standing in front of a classroom teaching real students about classification of living things? That was supposed to be ages away and now it is here and gaining ground rapidly. Pretty soon I will be standing in the front of the room like a deer in headlights if I don’t find some way to be excited about this upcoming challenge. I want to want to teach these kids. I want to want to do the best job that I can possibly do. I want to want to wake up on the first alarm. I don’t want to snooze. I don’t want to let life roll by without me noticing. 

Appreciating Lightning

Even in the middle of a raging storm, I can appreciate the lightning.

            Driving down the road that was wet with recent rain, I saw a flash of light. I didn’t know where it came from or if would come again. My roommates said that it was probably lightning, but I wasn’t so sure. Lightning and storms don’t come that often. Usually in the Pacific Northwest, all we get is rain. Sometimes it sprinkles, sometimes it down pours, but usually there isn’t anything much more exciting than that.

            We continued on the road toward Corban, and there it was. A bright, beautiful, lavender flash of light across the sky in front of us. There had yet to be a single raindrop on my windshield. I pulled in the parking lot and almost instantaneously loud hail started falling on the car. We opened the doors to get out and were greeted with heavy gusts of wind that made the trees bend and howl. It began to rain as we walked up the stairs, but this rain was not just a sprinkling or a trickle. It was a down pour. We were almost up the steps when yet again another flash of light caused us to scream and run towards the doors of the Psalm Center.

            Inside we found our seats and watched as students filed in, all soaked with rain. Hair dripping, but smiling faces. Abby and I decided we weren’t done watching the lightening. We went outside, standing under the large awning, just waiting for more excitement. We had only been outside maybe a minute when it happened. Probably the clearest view of lightning I have ever seen flashed in the field across from us. It lit up the sky a kind of eerie lavender and with it came a loud boom of thunder. Truthfully, I love thunder. I love the way it makes me feel like a child again, wanting to cling to my mom. I love the way it reminds me of God’s voice as it is described in the Bible.

            We wanted to watch the storm longer but Abby and I headed inside for the event. We kept watching out the windows, hoping to see another thrill of lavender glory strike the ground. They closed the doors and the show began, with only a small flicker of the lights to remind us of the storm rolling on outdoors. By the time the show was over, the storm had passed and the thunder ceased. We were all a little disappointed that we missed the show outside for a show inside, though the talent show was a lot of fun.

            I find it interesting that there is something sort of amazing about lightning. For me, it sends a thrill through my veins. I love the fact that you can see it so clearly and then in a flash it disappears right before your eyes. Something that can be so dangerous and destructive is also incredibly beautiful and breathtaking. In the middle of a storm, I can appreciate the lightning. I can appreciate something beautiful even in the midst of chaos. I find God in those moments. The moments where I am in a whirlwind of stress, exhaustion, confusion, and doubt, He shows me something amazing. He shows me how much the people around me love me and the wonderful small things that are still part of daily life. God reveals Himself in the midst of storms. He is the reminder of strength and beauty when the rest of the world is black, He is the flash of lavender beauty that catches my attention.

 Even though I can’t always see Him or feel Him, He is still present through my struggle. I am so thankful that He reveals beauty in the midst of ashes, or lightening in the middle of a storm. He turns the hurt into healing and the bad into good. He is the refuge for my soul when gusts of wind are making trees in my mind howl with doubt and confusion. He is constant though the trial and the change. He is beautiful.

To My Parents

Throughout my life I always looked at my parents as my authorities. I was raised to obey them and listen to their advice, and really that hasn’t changed. But something I am learning increasingly more so the older I get is that my parents are some of my best friends. My parents are funny and fun to be around. They encourage me and push me to do my best every single day. Don’t get me wrong, they drive me crazy sometimes. But they are the people who have always been there for me, day and night, through laughter and through tears.

            When I am having a tough day I can face time Jamie and we laugh about all kinds of things, and yet if I need to talk about something that’s bothering me she is there with a listening ear. My dad loves to send me YouTube links to awesome music that he finds. He may not know it, but the days that he chooses to send those are the days that I need it most. He finds a way to be a part of my day even though I don’t live with him anymore. My mom lets me call her in tears and she listens and tells me that it’s okay to feel what I am feeling, and then she reads me a list of funny things just to try and make me smile. Kirk likes to send me random quotes he finds online that are encouraging. He loves to send me ones especially about God and how He has a plan for me.

            These past five months have been some of the toughest in my life, but what I have realized is that I have some of the toughest, most caring, and genuine friends in my parents. Each one of them finds a way to love me when I need it and hold me even though I am not with them. Sometimes they have to point out things in my life that need work, and though it may frustrate me to no end, where would I be without that?

            I’m not saying that my friends here at school aren’t amazing, because truly, they are wonderful gifts from God and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. But I am realizing that my family are the friends that were always there, whether I saw it or not. They are the true constant in my life. Yes, there have been ups and downs and bumps in the road throughout, but that never stopped them from loving me and guiding me. All four of them have shown me what it is like to persevere and have faith and trust in God when times are tough. All four of them have been pillars of strength for me to lean on when I am weak. All four of them have loved me, regardless of my mistakes. I am so incredibly lucky to have the four wonderful parents and friends that I have been given.

            I am thankful that through this trial I have found out who has always been there for me on this earth. There is just something about pain and suffering that leads you to see who is really going to stick with you through thick and thin. My parents have done just that, and I could not say in words the gratitude that is in my heart for them.

            Whether we realize it or not, God gives us our family for a reason. In my times of loneliness and sorrow, I have realized the true gift of friendship God gave me through my parents, all four of them. 

What I'm Feeling Now

--Be prepared, this post isn't filled with butterflies and rainbows. I’m being pretty honest with my thoughts in this one--

And just like that I am back to that dark place that is somehow a bitter friend. Instantly I find myself wrapped up in the emotions of it all, searching for answers. It had been weeks since I really felt sad, until last night.

            Out of the blue you crept into my life again, letting me know you were sorry for hurting me. Do I believe you? Do I even begin to think that you are sincere and not just looking for something to make you feel better about what you did? Am I happy that you apologized? Am I mad? Do you really think that I needed to hear it or did you just want to clear your conscience?

            Landing like heavy boulders on my heart, these questions raced through my mind as I ran from the room. My instant reaction was tears, a lot of them. And then shaking. I was in shock. Shocked that after 5 months of silence and uncertainty, you spoke up. Shocked that you had been listening to what God was saying to you. Shocked that you even might feel some kind of remorse.

            I wish I could just accept the apology like normal and move on. But it is not that simple. An apology from someone who broke your heart doesn't just come and go like the wind. It lingers like sticky gum on the bottom of a shoe. You carry it with you for the rest of the day and on through the night, wondering how you should respond, or if you should respond at all.

            Unfortunately, I can’t just let it sit there out in the open. I can’t keep re-reading your words and not think of things I wish I could say to you. Before, I never had a chance to express my feelings about the whole ordeal, you didn't let me. Why shouldn't I tell you now about the struggle I have been through the last 5 months? I can’t rest until I have said something to you.

            You made me feel like I was crazy, that I wasn't normal, and that I wasn't worth loving. Unfortunately, I still hurt because of that. I’m glad you’re able to see that the way you ended things was wrong and disrespectful. You don’t end a 3 ½ year relationship over the phone. You just don’t. Thank you for the apology, I guess. Forgiveness will come in time but I am not there yet. It took you 5 months to even realize you needed to say sorry. It’s going to take a lot longer than 5 months for me to be okay again. For the record, I’m not crazy. There are lots of good things about me that are worth fighting for. You were wrong about me.

            I’m not sure if those were the right words to say, or if I should have said anything at all. But those are the words I want you to read. Those are the things that have been eating at me day and night since August 25^th.  And even though it’s been five months since that day, I still feel the sting, your apology only reminds me.

            As much as I would love to be free of this and move on, I still can’t find it within me to be happy yet. I was doing better, enjoying pieces of each day, listening to love songs again and not welling up in tears. But I feel like its back. The cloud of rain that seems to follow me around. Whatever it is, it went away for a short time but is now hanging over me since last night when I saw your name flash across my phone screen.

            --Pray for me, friends. I need a lot of it. I wish I could tell you that I am as happy as ever and finally moving on, but I’m not yet. Pray that I would hear God’s voice in all of this. Pray that I would find a way to forgive. Pray that the Joy of the Lord would be my strength. Pray that I wouldn't be defined by my hurts but rather by the grace of God--

New Years Eve 2014

2014 has been a life changing year to say the least. I began the year in a totally different place than where I am ending it. At the beginning, I thought I had it all figured out. I had my plans and I knew exactly how I was going to accomplish them. I had what I thought I wanted and nothing could stand in my way.

            But now on the very last day of the year, I look back and I realize how much has changed. Those plans I had at the beginning got tattered, torn, and thrown out the window. I definitely do not have it all figured out, not even close. I don’t know my future.
            Most days that is something I hate. I hate not knowing what is coming next, not being able to prepare. But 2014 has become a year of growth and learning, and part of that includes learning to trust God. He knows my steps before I take them and He is teaching me to let him have the reigns, to let His will be done.

            I have learned that strength comes in a variety of forms. Sometimes strength is facing an issue head on, tackling the enemy with full force. Sometimes strength is focusing on the good in life and holding your head up, and sometimes strength is allowing yourself to feel the emotions that need to be felt, whether that is anger, happiness, or sadness. Sometimes strength comes in the midst of tears flowing down your cheeks. Sometimes strength is holding your tears in. Strength is multifaceted and is different for each person during any given moment.

            I have also learned what true love looks like. True love does not look like shiny rings, or planned out dates, or lofty gifts. True love doesn’t beg for attention. True love loves right where you’re at. It does not ask you to be someone you are not, but rather meets you at your knees and holds you tight. True love asks no questions and shows up when it’s needed, even in the wee hours of the night. True love forgives when wrong has been done, and does not hold a grudge. True love apologizes when they are wrong. True love pushes you to be better. True love is sad for your sadness and happy for your happiness. True love is not what the movies portray it to be. True love isn’t a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day or a bouquet of flowers. True love is a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. True love is a place to rest, and to catch your breath.

            I am sure that 2015 will have its trials, but it will also have its days of happy. I pray that this New Year brings more learning and more strength and love, because without it, I would not be who I am today. I hope that when I look back on what 2015 brings at the end of the year, I can say that I learned just as much.

            I walked into 2014 thinking I had it all, plans and everything. But I am walking out a changed woman. I am walking out of 2014 knowing so much more about who I am and who God is. 2014 has been tough, but it has a purpose. And that purpose is for good.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” --Jeremiah 29:11

Not a Cookie Cutter Human.

How does it feel to be let go? How do you like it? Did you enjoy the gut wrenching feeling when you were told you weren’t good enough? That you weren’t worth keeping? That you weren’t worth the effort? Do you understand what it’s like to have your whole world fall to pieces, to have everything go wrong? To hurt so badly that you’re inches from giving up? Do you know what it’s like to be betrayed by your closest friend? To be left behind in the dust and covered with layers of pain and suffering? You probably understand this a bit more now that you lost something you really wanted. But still, I don't think you truly understand what happens when you loose what you thought was real.

You might know struggle, it’s true. But you have always had everything you ever wanted. You have always gotten your way, even if it took a few bumps in the road along the way, you got it. You got exactly what you wanted. You got freedom. Or maybe what looks something like freedom. But you’re still trapped in that tiny town without a longing for more. You’re content being where you have always been, and I was not. That scared you. I scared you.

I was so afraid to disappoint you, to make you upset. So afraid that you would leave me over something that I didn’t want to do. So I gave in. Over and over and over I gave in to your desires, and shoving mine so far back that I believed I liked what I was doing. I lied to myself and thought that it was making us better. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. But I scared you.
 
I am scary. I’m emotional and passionate and loving and trusting and fearful and outspoken. I am every bit of what you’re not expecting. I am not a cookie cutter human. I can’t be put into a box and I won’t be put into a box ever again. I am scary and at times I will roar, but I am also interesting. I am also kind, and I am loving. I am not just scary. I am worth more than the gold on the earth, more than all the money in the world. I am the daughter of the most High King, fearfully and wonderfully made. I should not have to apologize or hide who I am. I was made to be me, not to be who you wanted me to be.

The truth is, scary can be good. Sticking with the things that scare you are the things that make you grow. Choosing not to give into fear fosters real faith. I am worth every bit of the faith it takes to know me. Relationships take real faith.

 

One day you will meet her. I hope she scares you. I hope she scares you more than I did. I hope she scares you but teaches you real faith. I hope you learn to believe that people are worth fighting for, no matter how scary they are. I hope you learn what it feels like to trust God when trusting Him is all you have left.

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            Trust is all that I have left. I was blindsided and cut off. I was left behind and forgotten. The only thing that keeps me going is trust and faith in the One who never fails to keep His promises. He is the One that keeps me steady; He is the one who has me wrapped up in His arms and never let me go.

            I could be angry. In fact, I was so angry at first. The plans He has for me are scary. I never saw this happening, and I never wanted it to. I didn’t want my life to be scary. But He is bigger than my desires and plans, He is teaching me to trust Him even when I am scared beyond belief. This kind of scary, the one that takes faith to overcome, that’s what makes all of this pain worth it.

             Get scared sometimes, but don’t let it overtake you. Don’t hide behind your fears. Boldly declare that God is bigger than your fear. And ya know what?  It’s okay to be scary. Be passionate. Be daring. Be loving and trusting. Be crazy, wild, calm, forlorn, withdrawn, hyper, mellow, whatever. Be you and don’t hide your emotions. God gave us emotions for a reason, and He made us who we are for a purpose. Scare people. Scare them into fostering their faith to grow bigger than they’d ever imagined.

Today I am choosing to grow my faith, even if it’s little by little.