Not a Cookie Cutter Human.

How does it feel to be let go? How do you like it? Did you enjoy the gut wrenching feeling when you were told you weren’t good enough? That you weren’t worth keeping? That you weren’t worth the effort? Do you understand what it’s like to have your whole world fall to pieces, to have everything go wrong? To hurt so badly that you’re inches from giving up? Do you know what it’s like to be betrayed by your closest friend? To be left behind in the dust and covered with layers of pain and suffering? You probably understand this a bit more now that you lost something you really wanted. But still, I don't think you truly understand what happens when you loose what you thought was real.

You might know struggle, it’s true. But you have always had everything you ever wanted. You have always gotten your way, even if it took a few bumps in the road along the way, you got it. You got exactly what you wanted. You got freedom. Or maybe what looks something like freedom. But you’re still trapped in that tiny town without a longing for more. You’re content being where you have always been, and I was not. That scared you. I scared you.

I was so afraid to disappoint you, to make you upset. So afraid that you would leave me over something that I didn’t want to do. So I gave in. Over and over and over I gave in to your desires, and shoving mine so far back that I believed I liked what I was doing. I lied to myself and thought that it was making us better. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. But I scared you.
 
I am scary. I’m emotional and passionate and loving and trusting and fearful and outspoken. I am every bit of what you’re not expecting. I am not a cookie cutter human. I can’t be put into a box and I won’t be put into a box ever again. I am scary and at times I will roar, but I am also interesting. I am also kind, and I am loving. I am not just scary. I am worth more than the gold on the earth, more than all the money in the world. I am the daughter of the most High King, fearfully and wonderfully made. I should not have to apologize or hide who I am. I was made to be me, not to be who you wanted me to be.

The truth is, scary can be good. Sticking with the things that scare you are the things that make you grow. Choosing not to give into fear fosters real faith. I am worth every bit of the faith it takes to know me. Relationships take real faith.

 

One day you will meet her. I hope she scares you. I hope she scares you more than I did. I hope she scares you but teaches you real faith. I hope you learn to believe that people are worth fighting for, no matter how scary they are. I hope you learn what it feels like to trust God when trusting Him is all you have left.

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            Trust is all that I have left. I was blindsided and cut off. I was left behind and forgotten. The only thing that keeps me going is trust and faith in the One who never fails to keep His promises. He is the One that keeps me steady; He is the one who has me wrapped up in His arms and never let me go.

            I could be angry. In fact, I was so angry at first. The plans He has for me are scary. I never saw this happening, and I never wanted it to. I didn’t want my life to be scary. But He is bigger than my desires and plans, He is teaching me to trust Him even when I am scared beyond belief. This kind of scary, the one that takes faith to overcome, that’s what makes all of this pain worth it.

             Get scared sometimes, but don’t let it overtake you. Don’t hide behind your fears. Boldly declare that God is bigger than your fear. And ya know what?  It’s okay to be scary. Be passionate. Be daring. Be loving and trusting. Be crazy, wild, calm, forlorn, withdrawn, hyper, mellow, whatever. Be you and don’t hide your emotions. God gave us emotions for a reason, and He made us who we are for a purpose. Scare people. Scare them into fostering their faith to grow bigger than they’d ever imagined.

Today I am choosing to grow my faith, even if it’s little by little.