The Fairytale Facade

When I was a kid, my favorite people to study and admire were women in their teens and twenties. I remember thinking that I hoped to be just like them one day. I dreamed that I would be as confident as they were, as beautiful as they were, and as smart as they were. I remember looking at these women as if they were movie stars. As a little girl, all I wanted was to grow up and love my life as much as those women seemed to love theirs.

One day I woke up and became a woman in her twenties, as if almost instantaneously. However, I didn't feel like the beautiful, smart, and confident women I admired when I was a child. As a kid, I imagined that at this point in my life, I would have it all figured out. That's the thing, I have to stop thinking like I did as a kid. My body may have grown up, but in my head I still imagine this perfect picture of a woman that I imagined as a child.

Despite the fact that I will never attain what my child self thought grown up women were like, I think me as a child would like me now. As a kid I loved it when adults would stop and talk to me, I loved it when they would play with me. That is something that has stuck with me and carried over into my relationship with my baby sister. I absolutely love playing with kids and listening to what they have to say, I hope my five year old self would be proud.

I hope my five year old self can forgive me for deciding not to pursue the "pop star" career I once dreamed of. As a child I had this picture in my head of me singing on a stage in front of an audience, and when you're young, being famous is the only way that makes sense. Somewhere along the line I realized that fame was the direct opposite of what I wanted. Don't worry though, little Kory, I still love to sing and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I just came to a place where I desired community and family above any hope of being a famous singer. Somehow, I think my five year old self would thank me.

As a child, I had a picture in my head of what love should look like, thanks to Disney. I believed that one day I would be with the right guy, and that it would last forever. My five year old self believed in fairy tales, and to some extent, I think I still do. What I didn't see coming though, was that love is messy and it doesn't actually happen like it does in the Little Mermaid. Unlike Ariel, I have a voice and I often use it directly, and some people don't like that. Ariel literally gives her voice away to find love, she gave up the very thing that made her, her, all for the sake of love. I did that too. I gave up my voice and my true desires and dreams in order to hold onto what I though was love. When that so called "love" came crashing down, I had no concept of how to bounce back, there's no Disney movie for that. My family and my friends helped me to seek Jesus and to find my voice again. My child self may have thought that my dreams were shattered, but what she didn't realize is that people are all broken, and God heals the broken to make us stronger. Disney doesn't have a story like that, but I do. I hope and pray that other little girls much like myself can see the hope and strength I have found by breaking out of the fairy tale facade.

But like I said, I still believe in fairy tales. I just don't believe in the fairy tales written unrealistically. I believe in the fairytale of a girl growing up to serve and glorify the Lord. I believe in the fairytale of a girl finding her confidence and beauty in Jesus. I believe in the fairytale of a girl falling in love with a man who loves Jesus above all else. I believe in the fairytale a that aren't found in movies or books, instead they are found in the lives of my best friends, my family, and within myself.

If you're still hoping your life will turn out they way you had imagined when you were five, stop putting yourself through that torture. We can not attain the perfection we thought we could as kids and there is no sense in punishing your adult self for that. Instead, take a look at your life and find the things your younger self would thank you for. Admire where God has brought you and know that his plan for your life is far greater than any plan or fairytale you came up with as a child.

A Magical Moment

            There was a slight breeze in the air that night. Not enough to make the leaves fall off the trees, but enough to make them rustle. The air was cool. It was a chilly fall night and the moon was high in the sky. The school had lights on inside, probably trying to fool people into thinking that it was still in use. The school was abandoned, and everyone knew. The parking lot was almost always empty, unless two cars were there to meet up and exchange questionable materials. There are no lights on the parking lot, only the gentle light of the moon to display any activity that went on there.

            Off to the right there was a small play structure, from a distance it looked like the parking lot was empty, but with a closer look it was plain to see that there were several middle school aged kids just hanging out there waiting for something to happen. They must have seen the headlights because as soon as the car was parked, they started walking away. The parking lot was empty, the only sounds were the cars on the street and the rustling of the leaves. It was perfect.

            We parked the car, rolled down the windows, and cranked up the tunes. Not the kind of tunes that would play at a rave or exciting concert, these songs were romantic, old timey, and happy. They were the kinds of songs that take you back in time, to a place when simple romantic gestures were commonplace.

            My teeth were chattering uncontrollably. He said, “Would you rather get back in the car?” I said “no”, because I knew that what was about to happen would be worth any teeth chattering and shivers that came my way. He took my hand, placed his other around my waist, and we danced. They were not extravagant, graceful dance moves by any means, but they meant everything to me. In the past I had thought that this kind of thing only happened in storybooks and movies. But this happened, it was happening, and I was in love.

            I can’t remember how long we danced, several songs I presume. Somewhere in there he picked me up and spun me around. I guess you could say that was when I knew I was the happiest I had ever been. People kept driving past the empty abandoned school parking lot, but I was lost in the moment. Every once in a while, a pair of headlights would shine like spotlights on a stage, and we danced all the more. The breeze continued to blow, and the leaves continued to rustle. The moon hung in the sky like a chandelier, and the empty abandoned parking lot became a beautiful, dazzling ball room that only the two of us could see. People say that enchantment and magic aren't real, but I know I was part of a magical moment that night.

                       

Something That Matters

            I want so badly to write something that matters, something that makes an impact. I have such a desire to put words on a page that cause a stirring in one’s soul. I want to cause somebody to think differently about their world, or about themselves. I long to find the words that will come together and change a life.

            I keep taking out paper to write but I never find the right words to say. It used to come so easily, the ability to pour my soul out on paper. Once upon a time I could pick up a pen, write something meaningful, and hardly have time to even blink. But now, it’s so difficult to decide what to write that I have resorted to writing about not knowing what to write.

            Maybe it’s not about the topic of my writing, perhaps all that matters is that I write down something, even if it’s just a sentence. I’m probably out of practice, but I’m also a different person than when I began a year ago. I can’t write like I did then because I am not her anymore. I’m new, and so is my writing.

            I used to write about my internal wounds and my broken heart. I used to write about my insecurities and my fears. I used to write about my unhappy and afraid heart. I looked at writing as a way to get those feelings out, and to let people know that I needed help, that I was struggling.

            But life is different now. I don’t have to write about my broken heart any longer because my wounds have been healed. I don’t write about my insecurities because I have found that seeking God’s truth about me works better. I don’t write about my unhappy heart because I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life.

            Maybe I’m having such a hard time writing because my subconscious is making me feel guilty for sharing joy. Maybe I think that the only writing that matters is writing about pain and suffering. But my subconscious is wrong.

            Writing about joy is just as important as writing about sorrow. In fact, it may be more important. People need to know that even though suffering happens, joy comes in the morning.

            The joy and happiness I feel today is a testament to God’s faithfulness. He brought me through a storm and has filled my life with peace.  People need to know that their pain has purpose, that God will turn their ashes into beauty. People need to know about the hope of Christ.

            Writing about pain matters. It lets people know they are not alone, it lets people know the depth of human emotion, and it makes an impact. Writing about joy matters, too, especially if its joy that comes after a tough storm. Writing about joy and happiness shows the love of Christ, and shows just how much we matter to God.

            Writing about both sorrow and joy is a beautiful way to display the work of Christ, and one day when I walk through another storm, I will be able to go back and read of how faithful God has been in the past. I will have no doubt in my mind that He will be faithful again.

            I think I have been having so much trouble writing because I couldn’t figure out what God wanted me to say. Today, he is telling me to share about his abundant joy in my life. He wants me to write about how much he has changed my heart. He took my heart of stone and turned it into a heart of thankfulness, and that matters. Transformation matters.

            So I will write about my sorrows, and I will write about my happiness. Through every high and every low, Christ is there with me. I hope my joy impacts others even more so than my pain. I hope my new heart displays Christ more accurately than my broken heart ever did. I hope this joy of the lord will be my strength when the next trial comes my way. Both pain and joy matter, and I will write in such a way that proves it.

            

He has Carried Me Through

             

Wow. Finals week of spring 2015, I can hardly believe I made it. What a journey this year has been. It feels like it has gone by agonizingly slow and yet in the blink of an eye. Funny the way time passes, so slowly and then all at once, that you have a hard time grasping the change. I am completing a school year of trials. I started the year in probably the most horrible place someone could begin a school year, however I am ending the school year a much stronger individual. I am still in shock. How could I possibly be here in April 2015? Was I not just packing to come back to school for another school year yesterday? How has so much time passed since then? I simply can’t wrap my mind around it.

            Through the trials, so much good has come. I have made friends that I never would have had before. I learned what it is like to live in an apartment, and what it is like moving out of one. I learned that family can make some of your best friends. It’s okay to change and experience new kinds of things. Test out the waters. Take a risk. You might hate it, but you might love it. Life happens when you are willing to step out of your comfort zone. If you want to get a tattoo, get a tattoo. If you want to work at a summer camp all summer, do it. You are only going to grow if you challenge yourself to be more than you were yesterday. 

            You will only grow if you are nourished. I have been nourished this year. So much love has been poured out on me and so much life has sprouted. Yes, there were many days of drought. Yes, it was a very rough start. God has brought me here, He never left my side. On the many days of pain and anguish, he sent His love in the form of family, friends, and sunny afternoons. He has been faithful. He is allowing me to tell his story through my struggle, and I could not be more grateful.

            This year I found out who I am, without anyone else being part of that identity. I learned that my identity is found in the love of Christ, not in a relationship status. I learned that Kory isn’t static; she is dynamic and ever changing, ever growing. Kory is not predictable. She may even do things that are unexpected, and that is OK. Through the uncharted territory, I have found that there is so much more to life than what I originally thought. I don’t have to be what I planned for so many years. I can change my mind and try new things and make new plans. Life is not set in stone, and neither am I. God will not be finished shaping me until the day I meet him in the sky. I have my whole life to learn, try, experience, and live the life He has for me. How liberating it is to know that I am not stuck in one place, I am free to move about and see the world created by my God. How wonderful is it that I am not defined by a hometown, by a stereotype, by a boy. How beautiful is it that I am known as a child of God destined to live out His plan for me.

            As much as I would like to erase the pain and the trials of this school year, I most certainly would never want to lose the lessons I have learned. As I venture out into more uncharted territory as a camp counselor for the summer, I know God will use my experience for His glory. My experience will relate to campers who need to see the love of Christ. He makes all things work together for my good, and for others. He has nourished my soul and shown me hope. Junior year at Corban University was anything but easy, but it was worth it. Praise Jesus for His unending mercy and love, and his footprints in the sand. He has carried me through.

This is my life and I am SO thankful for it.

I Can't Forget

Oh how my heart longs for romance. Why can't I be content with the love of friends and family in my life? Why do I feel so empty when God gives me relationships with friends to fill me? Why when I'm pointed in God's direction do I strain my neck to look at what I'm leaving behind?

I wish I could keep my eyes on the road ahead. I wish that the past didn't linger in my dreams every night. I hate that my heart can't let go. I want so bad to move forward and yet until keep wondering... what if ? What if I had done this? What if I had done that? What if I had figured out my problems earlier? Would he still love me?

The answer is no. There is nothing I could've done to change the outcome. It had to happen. There is nothing in my power that could have prevented heart break. Nothing. And though I realize that its all according to God's plan, I still question it every single day.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish to start over and try again, to try and erase the pain. That's the thing, the past can't be erased. I don't get do overs. I don't get to forget the good things and I certainly don't get to forget the bad. So many times I have thought, what if I just clip out the parts of my brain that he occupies and just move on with my life for good? But the past can't be erased and I can't forget what it's like to have someone to love and to snuggle with anytime I want. I can't forget what it's like to be taken on a romantic picnic. I can't erase all the happy memories of birthdays, christmas, and easters. I can't forget.

That's why my heart aches. The memories are saturating my mind and keep me up at night. They try and convince me that I'm not worth lovong. They push me and shove me and bruise my soul. The memories hold me captive. The memories make me believe that I need romance in my life to make me happy. The memories sting and burn like a fresh paper cut. Maybe one day I will appreciate the memories but that is not today and it probably won't be tomorrow.

I'm thankful for the people in my life who remind me to make new happy memories. Memories that don't make me cringe with grief. I can't hear it enough that things will get better. I can't hear it enough that God has a plan. There is just something about being told that over and over that has me craving for more. I crave encouragement. Encouragement pulls me out of the dark cave of sad memories and flickers a light of hope. Encouragement brings me back to life.

I thank God every day for the pillars of strength he has placed in my life. He knows that I need a sense of family and love constantly in order to keep me from drowning. He knows that when I'm alone I look through old pictures and sob. He knows that if I spend time with friends that's am able to forget for a little while. He knows I need encouragement.

I can't forget the past but I can accept encouragement and love. Through this past school year I have learned so much about what it is like to be unconditionally loved. Jesus has shown me his unending love through my pain, and that is something I never want to forget. I never want to forget what it is like to be held when I am a crying mess and a puddle of tears. I never want to forget what it is like to be cared for. I never want to forget what it's like to be prayed over. I never want to forget that Jesus has already won the victory.

Everything happens for a reason they say, and I can't deny that truth.. no matter how much I want a redo, nothing would bring me to the place I am now. I wouldn't know God's love in the same way without the hurt. I wouldn't know him and I would have forgotten his great sacrifice.

He is shaping me and changing me. Praise God for his unending grace. And praise God for the encouragement he gives me.

The Real Kind of Love.

                 Every single day I experience some form of love. Some days it’s a happy greeting and a hug. Some days it’s a smile from a stranger. Some days it’s a critical piece of advice. Some days it is a shoulder to cry on. Love cannot be put into a box. It goes beyond my presuppositions of what love should look like, it crosses borders and breaks chains. Real love tears down walls of insecurity and meets fear on its knees. Real love bows down and sits beside the trembling and the heart ache. Real love hears stories that would bring shock to most but responds with a hug and encouragement.

            Love is not limited to chocolates and roses. Love is not upset by mistakes or shaken from uncertainty. Love accepts people as they are, broken and shattered, or standing tall and shimmering. Love celebrates success and mourns with loss. Love is not flattery, but instead is the building up of strength in others. Love is complicated. It’s not always easy to love the people who have hurt us or who have stopped loving us. Love requires work to be authentic. It is not simply just something we give out when we are having a good day. Love requires honesty and sincerity even on the days when we feel unlovable. Love is learning from mistakes. It means that our past is not the defining point of our lives, love gives us purpose to press on.

            Love doesn't look like the movies. It’s not always hand holding and kisses. Love is also the bandager of deep wounds and the consequence giver of bad choices. Love is more than just a fairy tale, its truth in its most potent form. It seeps into our souls like a piece of butter melts into a warm roll. Love reminds humans of their personhood. Love restores and love redeems. Love places an infinite value on the people in this world. Love seeks to turn the ugly in our lives into something beautiful, even if that means taking risks.

            Love. It’s something I have learned a lot about in the recent months. I am grateful for the people God placed in my life for such a time as this, because it is through Gods people that His love is communicated. It is through the effervescent life around us that Christ’s love abounds. Through deep waters and through sunny skies, love travels. Just as Christ laid down his life for His friends, love goes beyond the simplicity of cards and adornments, it goes beyond what fits in a schedule, love asks no questions.

             Love is shouting the ABC’s in the middle of the dance floor because a friend didn't like the song that was on. Love is slow dancing with a friend during a love song because you know inside they are a wreck. Love is doing stupid dance moves just to make someone laugh. Love is disregarding personal needs and taking on someone else’s. Love doesn't have to be glorified outings and presents. Sometimes love can just be sharing a meal together or jamming to rap music really loud and going on a drive. The thing about love is that it can be anything you make it. Love is only limited by our own perceptions. If we seek to find love for ourselves, we will come up short. But if we seek to love others as Christ loved us, love will find us and it will enrich our hearts. Love is washing the feet of even our greatest enemies so that the love of Christ himself is shown through us.

How well are you loving those who are hard to love?